Parenting Adolescents Archives

Hi Jean,
My problem is this: my son said my daughter did something my daughter said she didn't. Obviously one was lying. After an hour and a half of "discussion," she finally admitted it. I told her she actually wouldn't be in trouble for what she did because it was an innocent mistake and she would be in more trouble for lying. But she still did lie for an hour.

She did this once before, last year; again, what she did wasn't nearly as bad as the lying. She is 10 years old and will soon be a teen that I cannot trust! What is the appropriate punishment for this?

Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for sending in a question that will resonate with many other parents, I'm sure. The whole question of lying is fraught with many different emotions and opinions about what is and isn't appropriate to address with consequences.

According to me, it's always appropriate to address the issue of honesty and lying, but in the spirit of trying to educate your child as to the possible consequences of not telling the truth--for example, their word not being accepted by others when it may be really important to them that it be accepted. There is also the consequence of feeling bad about yourself because you know it's wrong to lie and others feeling you aren't trustworthy.

Having said that, I don't think it's helpful to focus on the lying behavior in terms of giving behavioral consequences. Rather, focus on the behavior that was lied about. You don't want your child to get the idea that if she tells you the truth, she can get away with doing things she knows are off-limits. This will be especially important in adolescence. Agree with your daughter on what the consequence will be for the wrong behavior--if any (since you say it wasn't so bad). Implement this consequence. Then ask her why she was afraid to tell you the truth about it, and listen to what she says.

It is not so unnatural to lie. In fact, we all do, at times. Children lie for many reasons; usually, at this age, because they know they've done something wrong and can't face it. They cannot gauge, often, the seriousness of the offense and don't know how bad the punishment will be. This is not so hard to understand and doesn't make her a bad kid.

Before they are adolescents, they mostly lie to keep from being punished. When they enter adolescence, they may continue to lie for that same reason, but there's another motive that's added: they begin not to tell you what they are doing (or what they have done) as a way of putting some distance between themselves and you.

This is because at adolescence, young people want to begin to feel like separate individuals, not controlled by their parents. Parents are then upset not only at the lack of truth-telling, but also by this evidence that their child no longer considers it primary to keep that intimacy with the parent at all times. The adolescents will rely on and turn to that intimacy when they need you, but at other times, they'll hang an emotional 'do not disturb' sign on themselves and will resent you if you pry.

Please don't assume that because your daughter lied to protect herself from punishment, at age 10, that she'll be an adolescent you 'cannot trust.' If you predict this for her, she may turn into what you predict. Again: just focus on a consequence for the off-limits or out-of-line behavior, and talk to her about the social and inner consequences of not telling the truth.

After all, she did finally confess; make her feel loved and welcomed for having found the courage to do so. And use this to begin a conversation about, rather than a punishment for, lying.

Hope this helps a little. In addition, it may be helpful to read my articles on lying and trust.
Jean.