Dear Jean:
My daughter will be 11 in a few weeks and will be going off to middle school next September. We have 2 older sons (14 and 16) and our firstborn, a daughter who would have been 18, died at 3 years old from a sudden illness.

My almost 11 year old has been the apple of our eyes. We were so thrilled to have another daughter and I don't think I put her down the whole first year and she slept with us for the first 3 years. My husband occasionally mentioned that he thought we were spoiling her too much but I thought I had finally figured out how to parent best. Now I'm starting to think maybe he was right.

My daughter and I have always been very close and I thought we always would be. This year in 5th grade she has changed a lot. First during the winter she was very moody and cried at the drop of a hat and we were not allowed to say anything to her. I was her basketball coach and heaven help me if I dared to offer her any tips or coaching advice. It got so the whole family was afraid to be around her and accidentally look at her funny or something. I finally had a long heart to heart talk with her and I give her a lot of credit because she did try hard to get along with everyone better.

Then about 6 weeks ago I got a call from her guidance counselor that threw me for a loop. It seems my daughter told her that she feels unappreciated and unloved at home. She feels invisible at times and like nobody cares if she is there. She also said a lot had to do with her 2 older brothers being mean to her and not wanting her around. I was very shocked upon hearing this. (Well, not the brother stuff. At their age her brothers don't want to hang around her much and the older one can be mean.) I had been thinking she was the center of our lives. My husband and I both spend time with her playing cards and board games and basketball etc. We never miss one of her soccer or basketball games. I take her to the movies. We go shopping together. We all go to the gym together. After hearing from the counselor we tried to be more available to her, making sure we listened and spent more time snuggling on the couch. The counselor thought some of it may have to do with the added responsibilities we were giving her like helping with chores and being more in charge of getting herself off to school etc. I do keep saying that "next year you will have to pack your own lunch" or "next year you will need to set your alarm and get up yourself rather than me calling you for 20 minutes."

I thought things were going better but last night she got upset because I would not let her play a video game because her homework wasn't done. Then later when she went to sit next to me on the couch; she leaned against my hurt shoulder and I asked her if she could sit up and she got upset and flounced off while I was trying to explain that she could sit on my other side. This morning I found all these little pieces of paper ripped up on my bed and spent a half hour taping them all back together to read her note. It said, "Dear Mom, Again I am not feeling apriciated. I am trying not to over react. But it is not *names of 2 brothers*. It is mostly (not always) you and dad. Try to understand. Sometimes I don't even want to go home I feel so bad or I want to be adopted. But I know I don't really want to. Mostly today and night. Please understand.
PS Sometimes I cry and hold my blanket like a person when I sleep."

When I first read it I felt so guilty and awful. My heart broke for her. Then I got mad and thought what a spoiled rotten brat. What the heck does she want from us? What more can I give? Now I've calmed down and understand this age can be a hard time for girls her age and I want to know what I can do to help her. I am at a total loss though. I need HELP! Please help me.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com. Your heartbreak is so apparent, as is your dear little daughter's.

If only we could somehow "fly them" through the painful adolescent years. But we can't! They have to go into their shells and metamorphose and it's just so darned hard, all around.

Here's what I think may be part of what's going on; you can share this with the counselor at school and put your heads and hearts together about it vis a vis how best to respond to your daughter:

I think your daughter may well be having a reaction to her approaching adolescence. Your injunctions to her, meant to help her move toward independence, are well meant but felt by her as threatening. You have been extraordinarily close to her, she has meant so very much as a gift that helped you heal over the firstborn's loss. This very closeness, in my view, may well be the source of her and your current difficulty.... She simply DOESN'T KNOW HOW to begin to separate from you and move toward independence and finding her own identity, and she is BLAMING IT ON YOU -- of course! -- because you have always been there, always managed her life, always known what to do.

She senses the developmental tasks that are approaching: to separate from you and become her own person. Not consciously--but unconsciously, reinforced by observation of her brothers, she "gets it" that she will be expected to become more independent, and she's terrified she can't do it! She doesn't WANT to do it, some of the time! She wants to stay your little girl, close to your heart, where she has nestled so satisfactorily all these years. AND she wants to begin to grow up.

I suggest you stop telling her how she's going to have to do this and that on her own. Let her remain dependent for as long as she needs to. At the same time, happily accept and reinforce anything that she DOES begin to do on her own, any movement toward growing up. Let her snuggle, let her cuddle, tell her that YOU "get it" that she will be moving towards becoming more independent in coming years, but that for now it's fun to have her still wanting to be close to you.

My guess is that you are issuing 'warning statements' about independence to help YOURSELF begin to 'let go' of her, reinforcing your own sense that she will be separating from you, as well as to assuage some kind of guilt that maybe you've 'spoiled' her. In fact, you may need help in letting her go; that remains to be seen. But you don't do her any good by warning her that she'll have to do what she's so afraid she can't do. Just know in your heart that she CAN and WILL do this, in time, and that you will be up to it also.

Read the stuff at the web site about limits and consequences, for advice on managing that aspect of things, but my guess is that problems in that area are not now a major contributor to the troubles between you.

Her letter to you is beautiful! So clear! She is struggling with her own feelings. Let her. Don't probe. Let her come to you if and when she wants to, and then mostly LISTEN and reflect back to her how she is feeling: "You seem to feel as if we don't appreciate you. In spite of my feeling so much love for you, you end up feeling as if I don't really love you. I want to understand how that happens."

All of this response is based on the assumption that she is basically safe with the two older brothers. If they are threatening her in any serious way, it has to be further explored. I am not talking normal sibling rivalry -- they must be terribly jealous of her and the special place she has in your heart, as well as of her still getting to be dependent and not having to "face" adolescence yet; this would be expected. You need, of course, to be sensitive to their feelings. But if their own resentments have overflowed into seriously threatening or injuring your daughter in any way, then that would need attention of course.

Hope this helps a little. As you say, it's a hard time in the life of a girl -- and in the life of her mother as well.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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