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Dear Jean: For the most part he is a very wonderful person, though he has a tiny problem with getting along with others. I guess that part is normal. He is homeschooled, as well as his brother, and he's very smart. I mean very very book smart. He lacks normal common sense type stuff though. I've tried punishing by grounding, spanking, time-outs, you know the normal stuff. I've even tried talking things over with him. That no longer works. I expect him to act more mature, though I'm his mother, which most of the time in public he does. For example, while dining out he'll be so adult-like it's unreal, yet as soon as the compliment comes out of our mouths, the maturity vanishes. He has begun to feel like he's the only person that does stuff wrong, especially when it comes to his brother. "Why is brother always better than me?" I say he's not necessarily, just right now it feels like that because you did something you weren't supposed to. Basically I've run out of punishment ideas, but I still want him to learn from his mistakes. Talking isn't working. we've had the same talk over and over again. I've just mixed up the wording it seems. Like lying, I sometimes wonder if he really doesn't know what the truth is, because he's told many. We aren't church goers, but we teach the Bible at homeschool. It's as if he's in a daze 90% of the time, and doesn't really know why he does what he does. He always says "I don't know." I'm beginning to believe him. Just now, he walked in on his brother while brother was in the bathroom; brother yelled "I need my privacy - GET OUT!" I asked him why he did that knowing he shouldn't, and he said, well brother did that to me at granny's. So what are some consequences to some of these types of choices that he's making? How can I teach responsibility--by giving more responsibility to him? Then if he should fail on a task, then what? Self-esteem I think I can handle, but what about self-discipline? What should those consequences be? I tell you though if the people around me found out what I said, they'd think I was crazy because my son seems so bright and good. He is! I just don't want to lose anything we've got going here, especially because the rebellious, defiant stage is coming. He's starting the "change" too, if that helps explain, which he's aware of. Jean responds: Hi, I had the experience in reading your letter that you were talking about two different boys, and I guess that's how it feels to you as well-- "I've tried punishing
by grounding, spanking, time-outs, you know the normal stuff" Here's my guess, without knowing a lot about the situation--My guess is that you are expecting more of your 11yo than is reasonable to expect and unconsciously comparing him to his younger brother. How long this has been going on I don't know, but it sure feels like that may be going on now. Add to this that kids entering pre-adolescence normally are antagonistic to younger sibs anyway--because the older ones sense that they are "losing" you and their childhood, while the younger ones still "have" you in some sense. The younger ones can still admit and exhibit their dependency, which the older one has to start to deny himself, so he can get on with the hard task of growing up. So I'm not surprised he picks on his brother from time to time. And I think you should listen to him more deeply when he says "How come I'm always the bad one?" And maybe you should review your rules and expectations for him. I don't know of any pre-adolescent or adolescent who wants to keep his room clean. They want to turn it into a declaration of their independence--which means, you just close the door on it and draw the line at keeping food in there so it doesn't draw bugs. If he shares the room with his brother, then I'd help them negotiate which half of the room if for whom, and let your older one keep his half the way he wants to. You can help the 9 year old keep his half the way both he and you want it. Not taking out the garbage without being reminded? He's got a whole new world on his mind and is constantly pre-occupied. You can get him to take out the garbage without being reminded, if you want to put forth the effort--but I recommend you pick your battles. You can work with him on curfew--search the site for Q&A's on this by searching on curfew,limits. But really, what I suspect is going on is that this kid needs more emotional space now that he's going into adolescence than he knows how to get, and is distancing you in relatively harmless ways. And along with that, and in synch with it, I suspect you are going through your "don't want to let go" phase, trying to hold onto an authority and control with him that are no longer appropriate or even possible. I get it that you don't want to lose a good thing--but by trying to hold onto it, you're damaging it. Please read the material at the site on independence (search on that word). They're not meant to be perfect and obey all the rules during their adolescent years. They gradually learn from their mistakes when they reap the consequences of their behaviors, if you make the consequences of their behaviors the focus, rather than your disappointment/anger/punishments the focus. It might help to read some of the Q&A's on limits and consequences (search on those words). Hope this helps a little. And welcome to parenting adolescents! Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
boys. With my nine year old, I can talk to him about something
he did wrong, ask him why he did it, and ask him what he should
have done. However, with my oldest son, so far nothing is working
as far as him learning from his mistakes. He is not exactly trustworthy
because he sneaks things, has been late for curfew, etc. He has
responsibilities that he neglects constantly. Very few times
does he take out the trash without being told. He would clean
(and keep clean) his room if the youngest would help. but as
far as doing it by himself, forget it. :-) He lacks self control,
has little self motivation, is very selfish, etc. Basically all
he cares and/or thinks about is playing, which I feel he needs
less of.