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Dear Jean: I have a 12 1/2 year old daughter
going on 18. My Jean responds: Hi, It's not so unusual for a mother and father to be having as difficult a time adjusting to a daughter's adolescence as she is. This age is particularly difficult, just as they begin to reach for more independence and freedom, while they are still "babies" (in our eyes). They become insanely critical of parents, reflecting their own insecurity about themselves: are they 'cool,' do they fit in, etc. They turn towards peers for a measure of how they are doing -- this is part of why the phone is always busy. They dare not risk being "out of the loop" as the peers discuss things. For similar reasons, they tend to turn away from being with family. Even kids who formerly may have loved going to dinner or to a special event with parents may now shun parents and feel mortified if they are seen in public with them -- as if their peers will decide that they had no friend to be with and "had to" be with parents! All of this is normal but can feel pretty hurtful to parents. You are in essence losing your "little girl" to this new developmental stage -- she won't be back in quite the same way to stay, though you'll get flashes of the "old" her now and again. She's not motivated much to "be nice" to you these days. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you; it just means she's almost entirely taken up with the demands of this new phase, which require that she focus almost exclusively on herself. It's quite true that she is motivated to be "nicer" when she needs something from you; you are in the role of need-supplier at this point in her life. You are right, of course, your exasperation and especially yelling do harm, pushing her further away if not convincing her you are "crazy." You might try talking to her about her real concerns: why do the other kids feel you are too strict? Perhaps you are! What kinds of things, exactly, does she think you are too strict with? Please review the Q&A's at the web site on independence, freedom. Kids this age need to feel that you recognize their growth toward adulthood, that they are not little kids anymore. Even if, after listening respectfully, you cannot agree that you need to loosen up in certain areas, you will have demonstrated your willingness to listen. And you don't have to make her wrong for wanting what she wants, whatever that is. In fact, you can comfort her for not having the kind of parent(s) she wants right now and wish her luck on her next trip through this life: in other words, try not to take her complaints so personally. Listen, loosen up where you can/want to, and let her moan about the rest. I feel as if you know this stuff already, in theory -- you allude in your letter to realizing the hormones are kicking in, there are all kinds of pressures and changes going on, etc. It's harder to "get it" on a concrete level, though. Maybe you need to talk to a counselor once or twice about your own feelings and how you might better approach your daughter when you do have concerns. Really, her behavior sounds pretty typical, though aggravating. There are also good books out there that may help, including, for mothers-daughters, I'm not mad, I just hate you! Hope this helps a little. It'll get worse before it gets better (but it will get better). Take action on yourself now, so you can hang in for the rest of the trip; it's not all awful. Good luck, and welcome to parenting adolescents! Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
daughter has become very frustrated with us as parents. She consistently
asks us for sleep overs at her friends' [houses]. My husband
and I don't mind once in a while, however, it seems that it has
to be a weekend thing. We suggested to her that once in a while
why doesn't she have her friend over. She states that her friends
find us too strict and that she enjoys being at her friends'
houses. It seems that she never wants to be with us (family functions).
Every thing gets on her nerves. The phone calls never stops and
the only time she is nice is when she wants something (clothes,
money, etc...). I understand that this is the hormones, etc..
kicking in - however she frustrates me so much that sometimes
I just start yelling at her (knowing that doesn't help anything)
and taking things away from her (phone, computer, etc...) and
I just hate myself for doing these things. HELP!!!