12 offers
challenges
[Note: this Q&A includes a response back
from the parent--at the end
of Jean's response.]
Dear Jean:
I have an 11.8
yr old son. He is constantly forgetting to do things at home and
seems very distracted. He acts before he thinks constantly. I've had
him evaluated for ADD several times thinking this may be the
culprit. The doctor does not believe this is the problem yet has no
solutions.
The
symptoms have worsened at home particularly over the past year. I
just discovered that he has been sneaking within our house to watch
pornography in our home for the past six months. He does this
when I'm in the shower or when his father and I are busy with his
younger siblings. We thought he was playing with his computer games.
I am terribly concerned.
I have several questions. Could the combination
of the preadolescense plus his "impulsive" nature be the culprits? I
completely horrified about his. Could he have an addiction to things
of a sexual nature at this age? I don't know how normal it would be
for a child his age to be so interested in pornography (and from
what my husband told me-the websites are about hard core sex). Any
guidance on what steps I should take next?
Jean responds:
Hi,
Thanks for writing in. I can well
understand your concern and upset at discovering your dear
young son is exploring hard-core porn on the Internet.
In terms of what to do
next: it seems to me a heart-to-heart talk with him is in order. In
talking with him, it would be important, I think, for you to be
coming from a stance of wondering and worrying about him, rather
than from a stance of expressing how horrified you are by his
actions or from a punitive stance.
It's possible that he himself has no real idea
of why he has been resorting to this kind of stimulation recently,
and one purpose of talking with him is to help him explore his
motivation. It's also possible that a friend has introduced him to
this activity, and he has found it appealing, so in that sense he
does know something about why he's doing it, but not, perhaps, why
he finds it appealing.
I am wondering whether anything has happened at
school, home, or with friends that is of particular concern to him
at this time. I am looking here for some kind of disturbance in his
world that has gone unnoticed--by him, by you, by the school. As you
have had more difficulty with him during the past year, it is
possible that his world is changing in ways you've not understood.
Obviously this is true with regard to his puberty (he is changing
there whether anyone knows it or not), but there may be less obvious
ways in which things have changed, and he may be having trouble
acknowledging what's going on, if he knows, and managing the change.
In response to not knowing how to cope with what's happening, he may
find a powerful 'escape' in the porn viewing.
I would wonder, for
instance, whether he feels that he is lacking attention from you/his
dad. You mention that he resorts to the computer when you're taking
a shower. How does he have enough time to do that, I would wonder?
--or when the two of you are attending to the younger siblings.
Here's where I am going with this: does he in some way feel that he
has been identified as 'a problem' in the family in a way that makes
him feel lonely and even uncared about? Do the images of sex he is
viewing make him feel alive in a way that he can't feel otherwise? I
do not believe he can be a 'sex addict' at this age, so I wouldn't
go there, but this could be the beginning of an unhealthy way of
trying to cope with feelings he doesn't know he has or doesn't
understand.
Even
when we are very good parents, and I get that you are, or you
wouldn't be worrying about him and trying to get someone to help
you, we can sometimes not realize what our children are thinking and
feeling in response to events within the family or outside the
family. In having a conversation with my grown daughter a few years
ago, I was startled--and hurt!--by the ways in which, according to
her, I had hurt her during her growing up. "According to her"--but
that's it, you see--she has to be the expert on how she felt hurt,
not me.
Concerning
the distractibility and forgetfulness--search the Archives with
the search words distractibility, disorganization, ADD. Plenty of
parents have written in who have children just this age in whom a
latent attention deficit begins to show up because of the increased
demands at school. You've checked with the doctor; that's good. You
may also want to check with teachers at school--do they
experience him as distractible?
One other area you might want to take a look
at: is he being overstimulated at home? I remember when my daughter
was very small, my husband, who didn't wear pajama bottoms, would go
to check on her at night if she awoke. One night she said, "Daddy,
please put on your pajamas!" It may sound stupid, but we had no
idea, until she told us, that seeing her father without clothes was
distressing to her. As he develops sexually, your son's interest in
sex is piqued by many things, so take a look around the house to see
if you are unwittingly providing too much stimulation in this area.
And of course open up the topic of sexuality with him if
he'll tolerate it. He may be wondering a lot about how he's made and
what sex is. If you're not comfortable talking with him about
this (either mom or dad), be sure he has another source--the family
doctor, a trusted older person. You might want to buy him
a good book, such as Changing Bodies, Changing
Lives, about teen sexuality.
Finally: if you continue to be concerned and/or
are unable to talk with him, please do not hesitate to consult with
a mental health professional who is good at working with kids. Use
our Directory of
Clinicians, write me for a referral, or ask the
school for a referral--they don't need to know what it's about.
It's hard, parenting
kids--and especially parenting adolescents. Hope this is a bit
helpful; good luck to you.
Jean.
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Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute
for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health
professional.
Response from the
parent, after receiving Jean's reply:
I just wanted to thank you for
responding to my question about my 11.8 yr old son and
the issues of pornography watching. It is like the old
saying of the elephant in
the room. As my
husband and I read your response we were in awe at how you
hit the nail on the button. It
was as if you were
in our home or really knew our son.
We have
found a good therapist to work with him, but he has been
focusing on the issues of motivation regarding his
organizational skills. As a result of your email, I think
it is best to ask him to change the treatment plan and
focus on his feelings more.
I can't thank you
enough. God bless. And you're right, it is such
a difficult job to parent. This is only
the beginning. We have two more just behind
him.
Jean's response to parent's
response:
Hi,
Thanks so much for your feedback! I
answer dozens of questions (hundreds, over the years), but seldom get to
hear back from the parent(s) as to the impact of my answer. It's good to
know I am sometimes useful.
Good luck with your son--surely sounds
like you're on the right track to consult with the therapist and see if he
can
help your boy open up his feelings.
Thanks again for taking
the time to give feedback!
Jean.
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