Dear Jean:

I am step-parent to a 12 year old boy who is currently testing his boundaries and expressing his independence by threatening to "run away" each time we don't comply with his requests for "freedom" (specifically: walking
about 3.5 miles home from school, hanging out with his friends every night until at least 9 pm, and refusing to comply with school dress code.)

He is diagnosed with ADHD, has a learning disability, and is failing at least two classes right now. This, and his age, have shaped our choices about his privileges, but how do we address *his* choice of retaliating by leaving every time he doesn't get his way? Do we permit him to "run away" each time he is upset and let him experience "natural consequences" even though they could prove to be dangerous? Thus far, revoking even his most
prized privileges has not mattered to him, and he leaves (albeit not for a great deal of time and rarely does he wander far.)

We are baffled by how to appropriately respond to his behavior!

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting at www.parentingadolescents.com, and for sending in a question.

I get it that you are up against it, your son wanting more freedoms, in accord with his developmentally-appropriate struggle for autonomy, while you are only too aware of his limitations. I am wondering if you can sit down
with him to negotiate... acknowledging that,

(a) you cannot control him, but that
(b) as good parents you have a responsibility to set reasonable limits for behaviors that strike you as endangering of his health and safety, and
(c) that you get it that he is getting older and needs more freedoms as he demonstrates that he can handle them.

Hanging out with friends until 9:00 on a couple of nights a week, walking home from school on a tentative basis
(walking the 3.5 miles won't hurt him if he has no physical disability; he needs to show that he both can do it, physically, and that he can keep from getting into trouble on the way home), are perhaps privileges he can be
accorded as he shows the self control and maturity not to walk out when he doesn't get his way.

His failing school grades are reasons to set up study requirements, but not necessarily reasons for refusing him freedoms on all fronts. See the Archives Q&A's on instituting a regular study hour for kids when their grades fall below C's (or whatever "average" is in his school), until
they bring their grades up. (Use the Search function to bring up Q&A's on academic performance, grades, school, study, etc.)

With regard to the school dress code: I'd let the school handle this with him. If they call you to let you know your son needs to wear so and so, tell them that you are aware, and that this information has been
communicated to your son, but it is his choice whether to comply or not. He will then be subject to the school's consequences, which I realize could include suspension... if this threatens his stay at his school, then he has to realize that a natural consequence may be getting kicked out of that school and going to another, with no dress code. This may matter to him, if he's attached to peers at this school. If it doesn't matter, then it doesn't matter and that's fine; he will have made his choice.

Also, if the suspensions threaten his grades, in a way that your imposed study hour cannot compensate for, then you'll have to take away one of the accorded freedoms --not because he didn't follow the dress code, but because the consequences of not following the dress code (frequent suspensions) have brought down his grades, and you can't just stand by without at least trying to get him to realize the seriousness of that.

With regard to walking home from school: why does he want this? I suspect it's to hang out with peers... sounds like he is feeling soooo painfully different from peers, that the normal insecurity about finding a place among peers that is characteristic of this age is hyper-acute for him. If walking home gives him this chance, maybe it's worth it. Or, maybe if the 3.5 miles would take just too long (how long it would take is a consideration given his grades--he has to get that study hour in), you could compromise and
agree he could walk to a certain point, where you would pick him up. He'd have to demonstrate that he would be responsible for being at the pickup point reasonably close to the designated time.

As to his walking out when he doesn't get his way: I guess I wouldn't worry about it too much, if you live in a reasonably safe area. His threats are most likely a measure of how very worried he is about his social connections with peers...he probably doesn't know how to communicate this to you and feels threatened when you prevent any of his 'coping' measures, so he threatens you in return. You could try telling him that you get it how important peers are to him at this time in his life, and that you want to actually foster his life with his friends, but that you will have to negotiate on what is reasonable and safe. Tell him that you can't stop him from walking out, but that it worries you and it seems kind of immature--that you are looking for more maturity from him, for being able to sit down and talk things through and come to a reasonable agreement. His demonstrating control of his
behavior in this way would also encourage you to grant him more freedoms.

This is a tough one... good luck! (Also, if you need more help, you may want to check out a great book featured in our Online Bookstore, by Howard Glasser, MA,and Jennifer Easley, MA, "Transforming the Difficult Child. " It's specifically addressed to parents and teachers of ADHD kids.)

Write back and let me know if any of this was helpful, if you feel like it.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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