Dear Jean:

My thirteen year daughter has turned into a little witch for lack of a better word. She is mean and extremely moody, disrespectful (talking back a lot in a horrible tone) and thinks of nothing but herself. I know I may be describing many teen-age girls, but somehow she seems so difficult. She still has her sweet moments and we still communicate, she doesn't smoke or drink and is not sexally active. She says she hates being mean and wants to be nicer. Here's my question. How much of this is her personality, how much of this is being a teen, how much of this is her upbringing (I've been a single mom for ten years and she has a 17 year old brother). Or the biggest question is could she have a hormonal imbalance??? Her period started 6 months ago and for the past year or so it's like she's PMS-ing every day. HELP........

Jean responds:

I hate to tell you, but your daughter's moodiness, disrespectfulness, and preoccupation with herself all sound pretty normal for 13! Somebody once said that the worst times in a woman's life are when she's 13, and when her daughter's 13!

The answer to how much of her attitude and behavior is due to her age, her hormones, her upbringing, is that all of them no doubt play a role. But she's doing VERY WELL!--and she needs to know that! She's being a good kid, and you need to remind her that SHE WON'T ALWAYS FEEL SO AWFUL, and she won't always be so awful to those around her, either--especially her family.

I wouldn't worry about a hormone "imbalance" (they're ALL imbalanced for the first year of menstruation) for at least another year or two, but you can always check this out with her pediatrician.

You say she still has her sweet moments, and you still communicate, and she's not sexually active, and she doesn't smoke or drink--Hallelujah! If she's doing okay in school, then she's in great shape!

There's just a lot of LOSS, for both parents and kid, at this age... the kid feels the loss of her former "sweet" self, as do you...but something wonderful is growing in its place. You need to "hold" this truth for her. Change hurts, change is hard, it's not always pretty--look at the ugly chrysalis, from which a beautiful butterfly will one day spring. That's kind of like adolescence--there is a turning inward, because the energy of the being is focused on growing this new creature, and if you can understand that, and have faith in the natural growth process, it helps you--and her--to tolerate the less attractive features of the process!

If she gets TOO far out of line with her mouth (obscenity, swearing), you can send her to her room to re-group, but otherwise I wouldn't intervene, and don't take it personally--just try to let it roll off your back. Little witches become lovely fairy godmothers one day--Lord willing and the river don't rise!

Welcome to adolescence--once again!

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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