Dear Jean:

How normal is it for a 14 yr. old boy to not want to get married?

Jean responds:

My direct answer to your question is, "very normal."

Kids this age need to explore who they are and who they can become, to start to think and feel about what they want in their lives, once they become adults. So they are expectably "all over the map" on these topics.

Having said that: in any particular situation, I can't know if something more is going on without more details. Feel free to write back if you like.
Jean.

Dear Jean:

Sorry I didn't reply sooner but I had trouble with e-mail for a while. But this particular 14 yr. old boy says the reason that he doesn't want to get married is that he doesn't want to deal with stress in marriage and especially with having kids. I think that he looks at his brother and sees his parents have to discipline him and he doesn't want that. So he says he will never get married or have children. Like the other day our families were visiting and his brother got in trouble and got a spanking and the 14 yr. old said that's why Im not getting married or having kids. Anyway, write back.

Jean responds:

I guess I can't tell the meaning of the 14-y-o's statement about not wanting to get married without knowing a lot more about the context in which it is made. You've given me some, in your note... I am wondering what relation you are to this boy? Sibling? Parent? or what?

Kids do observe the world around them, especially during adolescence, when their powers for observation are greatly heightened--and they begin to try to formulate ideas of who they can become and what they want for themselves in life. This is all normal.

On the other hand, this boy's statement may be a communication, more than anything else, of his dissatisfaction with his current family life--a sense that his parents' marriage is far from ideal or that their methods of discipline (e.g., spanking) leave much to be desired. Or, he may be commenting on his own past experience as the child of these parents....

At any rate, when a kid makes a statement like this, it's often helpful just to try to draw him out... to let him state his ideas to a sympathetic listener, without criticism or other kind of negative response to whatever he's thinking at the moment.

Whatever the meaning of his communication, he's trying to find his way to becoming himself, in a difficult world.

You may be interested in a book we feature in our Online Bookstore: Judith Siegel's, What Children Learn from Their Parents' Marriage. Here's a link to our review:
http://www.parentingadolescents.com/marriage.html


Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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