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[Note: There are two
exchanges of letters on this question--scroll down after Jean's
first response to read the second exchange.]
Dear Jean:
How normal is it for a 14 yr.
old boy to not want to get  married?
Jean responds:
My direct answer to your question
is, "very normal."
Kids this age need to explore who they are and who they can become,
to start to think and feel about what they want in their lives,
once they become adults. So they are expectably "all over
the map" on these topics.
Having said that: in any particular situation, I can't know if
something more is going on without more details. Feel free to
write back if you like.
Jean.
Dear Jean:
Sorry I didn't reply sooner
but I had trouble with e-mail for a while. But this particular
14 yr. old boy says the reason that he doesn't want to get married
is that he doesn't want to deal with stress in marriage and especially
with having kids. I think that he looks at his brother and sees
his parents have to discipline him and he doesn't want that.
So he says he will never get married or have children. Like the
other day our families were visiting and his brother got in trouble
and got a spanking and the 14 yr. old said that's why Im not
getting married or having kids. Anyway, write back.
Jean responds:
I guess I can't tell the meaning
of the 14-y-o's statement about not wanting to get married without
knowing a lot more about the context in which it is made. You've
given me some, in your note... I am wondering what relation you
are to this boy? Sibling? Parent? or what?
Kids do observe the world around them, especially during adolescence,
when their powers for observation are greatly heightened--and
they begin to try to formulate ideas of who they can become and
what they want for themselves in life. This is all normal.
On the other hand, this boy's statement may be a communication,
more than anything else, of his dissatisfaction with his current
family life--a sense that his parents' marriage is far from ideal
or that their methods of discipline (e.g., spanking) leave much
to be desired. Or, he may be commenting on his own past experience
as the child of these parents....
At any rate, when a kid makes a statement like this, it's often
helpful just to try to draw him out... to let him state his ideas
to a sympathetic listener, without criticism or other kind of
negative response to whatever he's thinking at the moment.
Whatever the meaning of his communication, he's trying to find
his way to becoming himself, in a difficult world.
You may be interested in a book we feature in our Online
Bookstore: Judith Siegel's, What Children Learn from Their
Parents' Marriage. Here's a link to our review:
http://www.parentingadolescents.com/marriage.html
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is intended to be educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
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