Dear Jean:

I am 14 Yr's old and I am having serious problems with my mom. I asked for a lock on my door and she said no, so I keep asking her and she's getting angry telling me no. She keeps trying to tell me what to do which she can do because she is the parent but she cannot rule my life as if it is hers. Now I'm a Teenager and I have the right to have my Privacy and have a lock on my door because with out it everyone is walking on in my Bedroom not thinking about how I feel. My mom doesnt care I know it, well maybe she does but she gets this big attitude. She says since she's the adult she should have a lock for her privacy, but she isnt the only one that should have privacy. I have got a big attitude, I have hit doors, walls, I kicked stuff and broke stuff all because of the anger she gave me....IT'S
JUST A SIMPLE LOCK whats the big FREAKING DEAL........ I know you can help me.. you know it's true that I should have a lock on my door and she should give me my space
and stop keeping me all squished up ...Please help me... ......... THANK YOU..

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting at www.parentingadolescents.com, and for sending in a question.

I do think that kids your age need their privacy. Whether this equates to obtaining a lock for your room, though, is another question. Parents may among other things be worried about safety: In the case of a fire or accident, they would want to be able to get into your room quickly, and a door lock might detain them. It doesn't sound like that's one of your mother's reasons, though. Frankly, it sounds more like you and your mom are engaged in a power struggle, with nobody winning, both of you losing.

I suggest the following:

(1) Show your mother that you can control yourself by stopping the nonsense about hitting walls and junk like that. When you respond with destructive violence, adults will only think you an irresponsible child, whereas what you want is for people to recognize that you are growing up and no longer a child. I guarantee she will not be persuaded to give you a lock for your door when you display childish temper tantrums. I get it that you feel she "drove you to it," but nobody else "gives" us our feelings; we have our feelings inside of us and are responsible for what we do with them. You CAN control your temper, and you must, for your own sake, even if your mom never sees the light, because if you let yourself respond in this way, it will spread to other areas of your life and cause you trouble in your relationships for years to come. (I know it's more difficult if your mom is also displaying temper tantrums, but you still have to control YOU, even if you cannot control HER.)

(2) Apparently the reason you want the lock is because no one is respecting your privacy. This can be tough if there are younger children in the home. You deserve to have a space of your own that others do not intrude into without your permission, except in case of emergency. In my opinion, your mother should respect your legitimate need for this privacy. She should not come into your room without knocking first and waiting for you to say "come in." She should not search your room when you are not in it. She should agree with you on one time a week when she can inspect your room for hazardous materials or stuff that would draw vermin, like rotting food. You should agree on where she can leave stuff for you that belongs in your room when you are not home (for instance, on a table somewhere, for you to pick up when you're home).
If there are younger kids that break into your room, ask your mom if she'd agree to a simple hook-and-eye lock fastened on the OUTSIDE of your door, high up where she and you, but not the little ones, can reach it. Such a simple lock only takes a second to undo and would present no hazard in case of emergency. You could fasten this lock when you go out of your room; when you are in the room, put something heavy in front of the door to keep the little ones out, but not so heavy that your mom couldn't enter in case of an emergency.

If your mom is not convinced of your right to space and privacy, have her read this letter and some of the Q&A's at this site. You can bring up Q&A's on these topics by using the Search function: enter privacy, independence, space, room.

If you cannot bring your mom around to understanding your needs, then that is the reality of your life. She is mistaken, in my opinion, not to respect your needs in this area of privacy and independence, but if she doesn't, it's not a crime, just a difficulty you will have to overcome by other means. The way through this is NOT by demonstrating your wishes with destruction and violence. This is NOT NOT NOT helpful, and in my opinion such behaviors should not be tolerated and should carry a serious penalty (of course the penalty shouldn't be physical, either).

If you control yourself but find that nothing is helping your relationship with your mom, or if you find yourself totally unable to control the destructive acting out, you may really benefit from talking with a family counselor who's familiar with adolescent needs. Perhaps a counselor or social worker at your school would be available, or you can ask your mom to help you find someone for both of you to talk with.

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to write back.

Jean
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to this question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

top of page