Hi Karen:

I thank you for taking the time to read this. I am hoping for a reply back and I will also check the question of the week section for my answer.

My son is 14. I raised him all by myself, with no support whatsoever. So he's entering teenage-hood now. I have been concerned about it, and boy - he's there now for sure.

My concerns that I need comments on: He has recently become confrontational. I used to make him come in from hanging outside at dark time. Now he's getting older (and bigger than me haha) so, we talked and I extended his time outside till 8pm. It's very dark at 7 here and so 8 is an hour of darkness, but I can usually spot him out my window. He is just sitting with friends and a "girlfriend" 14 years old. Eight o'clock comes, and goes - by 8:15 I am calling him and/or going out for him. He'll come in to be sure he's away from his friends, and he'll become confrontational. Never violent or physical but he is starting to like, demand! "Mom NO I am NOT coming in" and he reaches for the door. I wind up having to threaten him that if he goes back out I will call the police. He then gets scared so, he stays in. The other day, this happened again (a lot lately) and I told him it was time and he said "MOM don't!! I'm not in the mood right now!" heading for the door - but he still has the tiny bit of .... Concern .. so when I threaten him or get as firm as I can .. he'll stay in.. He has not yet disobeyed me but it's getting too close.

I talk to him - it's always been "just me and you Mike" (raised with an absent, neglectful father) "we are on the same team" we have had discussions on each of our needs and he fails to meet up with his end of the compromises. On top of all this he's getting very bad grades - two F's right now.

I'm lost anything you have to advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Karen responds:

Thanks for your question. I surely can empathize with the fear that you experience about the changes in your relationship with your son. The situation of a mother bringing up a son all by herself is a very poignant one. With no outside support, the two have no one but each other; as you say--it's always been just you and him. This is the source of some of the extra pain that a single mother with no outside support feels when her child enters adolescence and begins to pull away emotionally and behaviorally. This transition is hard on parents even when there are two of them at the helm--it is just that much more intense when your mutual emotional interdependence is heightened by the absence of one parent and, from your description, the absence of any substitute meaningful parental figure in his life other than you.

Is there any male older than your son to whom he might look up, as to a parent? Does he have an uncle, cousin, grandfather, older friend, or other male in his life whom you trust who could become involved with him? He may be well past the age when he would accept such a relationship, but if he's never had a parental male figure involved with him, he might jump at the chance to relate to someone like this.

I dwell on this because I think this dynamic of the "closeness" of the two of you is at the heart of the current problem. At 14, your son is in dire need of creating some distance between himself and you. However this may hurt your feelings, try not to take it personally. Your son at this age is driven to separate himself--to establish himself as his own person. Try to realize that it is a sign of strength, not of badness,
that your son is challenging your rules for him at this time. If he did not, you might end up with a 40-year-old who still lives at home with his mother, and I doubt that this is what you hope for for him.

As close as the two of you have been, your son on some level realizes that his need to push against you is painful to you. So he is torn. He HAS to push against the bond with you, for his own development, but he knows it
hurts you. Please read the section on "autonomy" in the Archives.

You have always been able to control your son--"I used to make him come in," but now you cannot make him do anything at all. "Now he's...bigger than me ha ha," but it's not really "haha". When they're little, you can more or less cause their bodies to be where you want them to be, and you have terrific emotional control over what they will and won't do. As they grow, you have much less control of either kind--physical or emotional.

About his coming in after dark: the situation you describe sounds like you are trying way too hard to exert control over your son's evening hours, and that you are taking all of the responsibility (reminding, threatening him) for getting him in on time. He may be responding out of fear now, but eventually this will fade.

I mostly suggest parents use whatever is the town curfew as the limit for being in, both on weekdays and weekends. He should agree to a time that is acceptable to both of you, and then monitor his own behavior. Give up reminding and threatening-- he is giving you signals that he finds this demeaning and will only resent and rebel against you all the more.

About his academic failure: Please read "academic performance" in the Archives. It's quite possible that he is using academic failure as a way to demonstrate that you cannot control him any longer.

I suggest you try to have a talk with your son that goes something like this:

"Son, I know that I can't make you do anything. When you were little, I more or less controlled your behavior, but I realize that now you're at the age where I can't do that anymore--you want to control your own self, and
that is good."

"Even though I know this, I feel we must have some rules for your behavior. Let's use the curfew hour our town has already established as your time for coming in in the evening. I'll expect you to be in the house by then, but I'm not going to remind you, and I'm not going to threaten you anymore."

After you've agreed on the hours your son is to be in in the evening, see if he sticks to the rule. The first time he doesn't, you need to talk with him about consequences for failing to come in on time after this. Often, a simple time deduction from the next evening's hours works-- i.e., if he comes in 15 minutes late, he has to be in 15 minutes earlier the next evening. (You don't impose the consequence the first time he breaks the rule, because he didn't have any advance warning that there would be a consequence.)

About the academic failure, you might try saying something like:

"It is not okay for me to stand by while you are getting Fs on your report card. So here's the deal, you have until the next grading period to get your grades to no lower than Cs. If you don't achieve this, then there will be a study period each weekday night and on Sunday night, in which you can't use the phone, watch TV, use the computer, or do anything other than study. I know that a study period cannot make you bring up your grades--I can't make you study. But at least I will feel as though I am doing everything I can to encourage you to do at least C work in school."

I underscore the importance of giving your son a chance to take charge of the school situation himself before you give a consequence, and I underscore the importance of his knowing in advance what that consequence will be. The consequence should be time limited. In other words as soon as he gets his grades up he no longer has the enforced study period.

You are not trying to give a consequence so severe that it will solve the problem for all time. This misses the point. Your adolescent is testing limits and you are trying to teach him that he has choices that have various benefits and liabilities associated with them. Don't use "overkill." It doesn't work. Threatening to call the cops for not coming in on time is definitely "overkill." The tone of your letter suggests you already know this.

Thanks for writing in. I hope this helps.... good luck! Let me know how things turn out if you feel like it.

Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's responses to questions are intended to be educational and informative. they are not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.