Dear Jean,
I'm 14 years old. I like your
work on the site. Good job. Anyway, most of the kids in my school
are being real a-holes. They keep calling everyone names, they give
everyone slaps to the back of the head, and also quickly move their
hand in front of the genital area. If you react by jumping, they
"have to" give you 3 slaps to the back of the head. They also play
violent games with each other. I feel like I'm the only mature guy
in school. Those violent acts are very common here in Israel with
teens. And also the girls are being bimbos and act immature like
they're the queens. I'll be awaiting a response. Yours, "The
frustrated guy"
Jean
responds:
Hi, thanks for writing in to
parentingadolescents.com. I'm glad you like the site.
Teens
are insecure (and I think this is universal--whether we're talking
Israeli teens, American, Japanese, etc.). It makes sense that they
would be insecure because there is so much physiological change
going on in their brains and their bodies generally that in a way
they can't keep up with it all. Brain development, in particular, is
at a stage where the emotional centers are very strong, but the
rational/thinking centers in the cerebral cortex are not yet at full
strength. So there are many impulses coming from all the hormones,
for instance, and not much ability, yet, to control these or think
them through.
There are some adolescents, though--apparently
like you--who manage to behave in reasonable ways most of the time
and do not give in to the 'herd' mentality that can grip most teens
at one time or another. The 'herd' thing comes from 'going along
with the herd' because you feel too insecure to define who you are
on your own. All teens want to associate with peers, but some are
unable to stand on their own two feet even in situations where it's
important to do so. These are the ones who will drink themselves to
the danger point at a party because they're so afraid of not going
along with the others. And these are the ones who go about, in your
school, hitting people because they 'have to.'
As teens grow
emotionally during adolescence, they often begin to feel more
secure, more able to define who they are and who they want to be, if
they are given appropriate freedom and responsibility. When people
feel more secure about themselves, they have less need to intimidate
and/or imitate others.
I'd encourage you to try to observe
the following:
- how many kids in a particular class actually do engage in the
hitting thing; is it really 'most'?--or just an obnoxious
minority?
- how many girls in a particular class are the kind that you
would want to be friends with vs. how many act like entitled
'queens'?
- do you feel more helpless/hopeless or more angry at the kids
who hit others?
- what might be a good way to channel these emotions?
- do you think there's something in the culture in Israel that
encourages this kind of male posturing and aggression? If so,
would it make sense to do a paper for school on this
topic?
Hope this response gives you something to
think about, F.G. Thanks for the
question.
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educational and informative. It is not a substitute
for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health
professional.