Dear Jean:

We have four children in our family, ages 20, 18, 14 and 2. Each of these have had their own share of adversities to overcome over the years, nothing gravely serious, and my question concerns my 14 year old boy, whom I will call “E”. Up until about 2 years ago, E has been the easiest one to raise (note the time frame of 2 years, when our baby was born) -- amiable, cooperative, fun-loving, easy to please, and helps around the house. He is in 9th grade now, and in 7th grade he started floundering in his grades at school. He always had been at least an average to above average student, depending on the subject -- mid 80 average and usually on the honor roll. The end of the 7th grade exhibited a fall in some of his subjects. This carried over to 8th grade, and has become progressively worse in 9th grade. He also endured a period of bullying in 8th grade, but dealt with it the best way he was able.

I will admit that he has had some things to deal with these past few years in his life -- besides the birth of his baby brother, his older brother (20 year old) went off to college. Even though they were 5 years apart, they were very close brothers, and when he was a senior in high school, privately “E” expressed concern to me about his brother's leaving. He seemed to do all right from the beginning, but in retrospect, I can see how this might have been affecting his behavior. Being the third child, he identifies well with older kids, but has had friends his own age for the most part.

Last year he befriended a boy 2 years older than him. We did not know this older boy extremely well but enough to determine that he was a good kid from a good family and appropriate for “E” to be associating with. To make a long story short, “E” and this older boy got into some trouble stealing at school. This was an isolated incident, totally out of character for “E” (and anyone else in our family I might add), but was devastating to my husband and myself, as well as to “E”. Being a first offense and because of his young age, “E” basically got off easy with school contract to sign that he will not behave in such a way ever again or face school suspension. We also dealt an appropriate punishment to him (no Ski Club this year), and tried to make a positive thing come of it by getting him involved in community volunteering, which he still does, and willingly I might add. This all happened at the end of his 8th grade year. 9th grade started out fairly smoothly, barring a bullying incident that “E” handled quite well (he has been small for his age). This has since been resolved. A few grades on the first report card were a little low, but he still made honor roll. However, in the past few months, his grades have been falling sharply, and this has been mainly due to not handing in homework or effectively studying for tests or asking for help. The last report card was the worst ever -- ;-he was failing science (one of his highest grades last time), and almost failing math. He was failing English at the midterm (traditionally his hardest subject).

He is still an amiable kid for the most part, quite likable, and usually listens when I ask him to do things, and does a good job, too. He really has “sticktuitiveness”, something my older kids really did not have a lot of. I can really see good things for him in his future, but am afraid he will damage any future he might have by not picking up and getting a handle on his grades. His brother and sister have always been high honor students, so I am not used to dealing with failing grades on report cards. I really try not to compare my kids, and try to find unique qualities to praise in all of them. I am afraid of this “self destructive” behavior not going away with regard to school performance. It seems like some kind of rebellion, but against what? It seems that punishments are not working in this regard. What more can I do? Thank you,

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I think you're right: punishments do not work well for encouraging academic progress. Perhaps you can think of it this way: your son has a limited "vocabulary" with which to express what he is feeling. He has experienced two losses in the last two years--the loss of his older brother's presence and the loss -- because of the birth of the baby -- of his status in the family as youngest. And all of this just at the moment when he was entering adolescence, and suffering the experience of having to give up being a baby himself. This is a lot to bear, and if he's not real verbal, or aware of his feelings, or allowed to express negative feelings, he may not have had anywhere to "go" with these feelings. You were absorbed with the new baby, and he would have felt he was "supposed" to be happy and protective with the infant, yet he had lost a sense of being a protected younger one, in the leaving of his brother.

So maybe he's expressing some of this in exhibiting a 'loss' of school performance. It could be a way of hurting both you and himself--punishing both you and himself for having had to sustain these significant losses that are too hard for him, but which he may feel should not be too hard for him.

I guess I'd try a double approach:

-Try telling him that you won't put pressure on him at school as long as he's passing his subjects. Tell him that you realize that you can't make him care about his grades or do his homework or study, etc., but that you can't just stand by and watch him imperil his future without at least trying to get his attention to this important area, so this is your solution: In areas where he's failing, he has until next report period (or whenever) to bring up his grades to at least C. If he doesn't you'll impose a study hour every night before a school day. Search on 'academic progress' at the web site for more details on how to do this.

- Try sharing with him that you wonder if he's struggling with some feelings that go pretty deep, and whether he'd like to talk to you about them or if not to you, to somebody with experience in helping teens figure out their feelings. Offer to pay for him to see a counselor--ask for referrals from the school for someone experienced in your community who has experience in working with teens and/or use our Directory of Clinicians.

Then, as long as he's doing okay in other areas, as you indicate he is, let it go--but follow through on the study hour if he's unable to bring the grades up to C's in the time agreed upon.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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