Dear Jean:

I am a 14 year old teen. Me and my parents just can't get along no matter what. A lot changed when my brother left for college. I will take time to explain things. I do not try to blame either side for the trouble, we both contribute.

Many issues cause trouble. First of all privacy: my parents have no sense of privacy. My privacy is valuable to me, and my parents won't respect that. While I'm gone they go through my drawers, and if they find notes they read them. I sometimes feel I'm being monitored because they always know what I'm talking about or saying.

Another subject. My parents think I hate them. I try not to make them think this, but it just happens often. They often criticize me for not telling them about myself. I would love to, but they always bring up stuff to start an argument. They think I have big secrets to hide like drugs and sex. I am a fairly moral person, and even through pressure I never do that stuff. I always close my door so I can listen to music and be alone. My parents yell only at me for that. They think I am hiding something.

I am out of time, but from what I have said, can you please think of something we can do to better get along? Thank you.

Jean responds:

Hi,
It sounds as if your parents are in reaction to your entering adolescence. I don't know whether they had a particularly hard time with your older brother or what, but they seem to be over-reacting to normal desires and behaviors on your part at this time. Perhaps printing out some of the material at the web site for them to read could be helpful. I think especially of the article on privacy, for instance, or some of the Q&A's in the Archives on topics such as the need for separation and distance during adolescence and the need for adolescents to have increasing freedoms and to find their own identity. You can find these Q&A's by typing these topic words into the Search box there and clicking Search.

Your parents are also free to write to me themselves, of course. I have only your side of the story, would be glad to listen to theirs as well. Perhaps you'd like to suggest that to them.

In approaching this topic with your parents, you might have the best chance of getting through to them if you discuss it at a time when things are calm and going relatively well between you. Tell them that you want to have a better relationship with them, and ask them if they would be open to looking at some of these resources for parents that I offer.

You do not sound out of line, to me, and your desires seem normal. Hope it helps a little to know that someone doesn't think you're bad or crazy or that you hate your parents when you are simply trying to establish your own identity.

Jean.

Recommended reading for your parents:
"Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teens"

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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