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Dear Jean: Jean responds: Hi, Your hurt on your own behalf and sorrow on your daughter's behalf come through clearly. You had the best intentions, but your daughter was unable to believe, perhaps, that you would really be willing to help her if she said she wanted to have sex. It is very hard, after all, for us to tolerate our daughters becoming sexual, and your daughter probably knew you would not want her to go forward at her young age if she came to you with a desire. I'm glad she has told you now. So your policy of keeping open communication hasn't failed altogether. She has been willing to confide this important information, and I think that's a sign that she still values the relationship with you, as well as your opinion. It isn't a question, is it, of "letting" her continue to have sex? She didn't need your permission in the first place. Forbidding her to have sex at this point seems useless--she's already proven she can do it without your knowledge, and a prohibition would just make her do it in secret. You're far safer, and so is she, it seems to me, if you let her know that you do not believe that a young girl her age should be having sex, because it is a complicated thing, the feelings are profound, and kids her age or even her boyfriend's age are not really prepared to handle it. Telling her this is just in case she doesn't know where you stand. But since she has had sex already and may in the future, you want to be sure you knows as much as possible about the nature of sex, both to keep herself and her partner safe from sexually transmitted disease and/or unwanted pregnancy, and to help her to understand her own feelings and responsibility in the matter. Buy her a good book like "Changing Bodies, Changing Lives," a book about sex and relationships for teens. Offer her an appointment with a receptive physician to discuss sex, birth control, and protection from disease and anything else she wants to know more about. Tell her you love her and are proud of her for trusting you enough to tell you, at last, what was going on with the boyfriend and that you value and respect your relationship with her. Tell her you want to be there for her if she has decisions to make or feelings to work through in any aspect of her life where she feels you might be useful as someone who will listen and try to understand. Dry your tears. She is still your beloved daughter, struggling to find her way in a difficult and confusing world. Hope this helps a little. JJean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
been
having sex with her boyfriend who is now 17. I have kept an open
communication line with her, and asked her to come to me, if
she wanted to start having sex, so I could get her on some sort
of protection. Well I suppose it didn't work because I just found
out. I am trying to find out what action do I take as far as
do I discipline her? Do I act like things are still the same?
Because her attitude is "at least I know now." and
I should let her do everything she's been doing. I am so confused
and hurt. I just dont know what to do. I don't know where to
go from here! What is your opinion?