I'm the lucky parent of five: a 17 yr old, 15 yr old twins (girl & boy), 11 yr old and 7 yr old. My 17 year old always did things her way; now she lives on her own and has a baby boy of her own (yes I'm a grandmother at 34). But anyway I was happy that my 15 yr old girl was doing good in school, and when she tried pot she came to me and told me; she said it bothered her to keep the secret, I felt like I must be doing something right. Then we talked about sex; she said she hasn't but has thought about it. Well I'm not convinced but I just listened to her. Lately she has chosen friends that I'm not comfortable with. She says her friends don't have curfews. Well this is a big one for me, it's always been 9:00 on school nights and 11:00 on week-ends; after all they are only 15 (twins). If they are late on curfew I don't ground them, I just back their curfew a half hour to 10:30 etc. This really seems to work, it's more affective than anything else I've tried.

Well the 15 y-o girl got into some trouble at school. I have NEVER had a negative call from any of her teachers. I was kinda shocked at the
behavior the teacher described but when he said her friend was involved too then I knew this girl is not a good influence on my daughter. I don't think
there are any bad kids just kids who make bad choices. It's not my job to guide her friends, I have my hands full, so I told my daughter she could not
hang out with this girl for a while. Well she (my daughter) is staying at her dad's now. She says she needs time away, she'll come back when she feels she's ready. I'm not sure what to do--let her come and go when she doesn't like my decisions? After all, I can't get up and go stay somewhere when things get rough. I thought about when she comes home telling her that that was her one time-- my house doesn't have a revolving door.

By the way, the twin boy is great, he still hugs me even in the store and tells me he loves me, but my daughter acts like she can't stand to be around me. Sorry so long but what is the solution??

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Wow! You have your hands full with 5 kids, three of them teens, one a pre-teen! Really, the behavior of your 15 y o girl (twin) doesn't sound too far out of the normal range. And it sounds as if you are doing some things right, in spite of the fact that she acts like she doesn't like you--that kind of stand-offish behavior between teens and their parents, and especially girls and their mothers, is pretty typical and in itself not much to be concerned about. Listening to her is great, and it sounds like she's willing to come to you with at least some of her concerns. Regarding sex, you of course want to be sure that she has the information she needs--you might want to take a look at some of the sex-ed books we offer in our Online Bookstore, and/or arrange for her to talk to a doctor you trust.

The way you set up the curfew and its consequences for overstepping it sounds just like the advice I often give on this subject--but you might want to consider allowing her a bit more freedom in terms of coming in a bit later, especially on nights that are not followed by a school day (i.e., Friday, Saturday). Depending on the safety of the community, etc., kids really do come in a bit later by the time they're 15, I think--why not agree on whatever the curfew is in the community, if you and your daughter disagree.

The trouble with telling her she can't see a friend you disapprove of is that you can't monitor that--you have no way of backing up your decision. I think it's usually best, in such cases, to talk to her about her friend, have the friend over for dinner, try to get to know him/her, so that your daughter doesn't perceive you as "against" the friend--if she perceives you as the enemy of her friend, it's likely to drive her into his/her arms all the faster, to prove to you that YOU don't control her life or her choices.

Vis a vis her exiting to her dad's when she's mad at one of your decisions: I think your best bet is to work with her dad on this, if the two of you can talk. I agree that it's ridiculous for her to consider your door a revolving one....on the other hand, can you really stop her from leaving again if she comes home? How about this: try telling her you'd like to have her home again, that you love and miss her, but that you think you and she should negotiate the rules and consequences BEFORE she moves back in, that you will consider giving her more freedom in some areas to see how she does with it, but there will be consequences that happen if she steps over the line. Get her agreement, then let her move back in. Tell her that, if she chooses to leave again, you won't try to stop her, but that you will not feel comfortable allowing her back in your home for at least six months (except in case of emergency, of course, or if she is very miserable at her dad's--in which case, you allow her back before the end of six months only with the proviso that the two of you go to counseling together). In the meantime, as I said, try to work with her dad to make the same agreement--that he won't go along with her traveling between the two homes at a frequency greater than once/six months either.

Hope this helps a little. Hang in there--you should get some kind of award for parenting this group!

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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