Dear Jean:
I am 15 years old and need some help on convincing my parents on reducing my punishment. I snuck out at night while sleeping over at one of my friends' houses and got caught. My friend was grounded for a couple weeks, but I can't have sleep-overs again in my life. I realize that I shouldn't have done that and should be punished but I think not ever being able to sleep over at a friend's house again is a bit harsh. I tried to talk to my mother about it and as soon as I mentioned it she yelled at me and said never to talk about it again. What should I do?

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

What I think is that giving a consequence "for life" is always unwise. Teens need the chance to show that they can manage their behavior reasonably--this means giving more chances after the teen has goofed in some area of behavior, after some time has passed.

Consequences should be time limited. I could see not allowing you to sleep over at someone else's house for a limited time period--perhaps a few months or more, depending on how often you're asked to do it. But to ban you from doing it "for life" means you don't get to practice managing your behavior and showing that you can be trustworthy in this area of your life. I hope your mom will consider this. Does your father live with you? Would your father be any easier to approach about this--and then maybe he could speak to your mother? If not, maybe showing your mom this email would help--or you could let her know she could write to me on her own, or visit the web site and check out some of the advice I give to other parents on setting limits and consequences.

Also, maybe it would help to wait a while before bringing the subject up again. It sounds as if right now your mother is very hurt and angry and anxious. Her feelings may soften--give it a few months, show her you can "take your punishment," then ask again if you can discuss this with her. I would hope she would listen to you then.

Good luck.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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