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Dear Jean: Since I am the only child living at home, my mom is very protective of me. I am not allowed to go anywhere! I am always invited some where but I make an excuse not to go only because I know that I would not be allowed to go. So one day, I asked my mom if she could stop being so over protectived of me. She babies me way too much! I hate it. I love her very much and I don't want to hurt her feelings because I am her only daughter and her last child. I want to be able to grow up not having my mommy by my side 24/7. I asked her once if I could go to a party by my friend's house and she said NO because she doesnt know her. I am always at home and it's driving me insane! I want to feel responsible. I mean I do well in school, have a job, and get good grades. I just don't understand what the big deal is. She has to know where I am at ALL times, who I'm with, where I'm going (that's if I go anywhere) and when I'm coming home. The latest I stayed out was til 1:30. That was only because she knew exactly where I was and who was there. It's like she doesn't trust me. It gets me so mad. It's like she wants to keep me locked in a closet til I'm 30! I'm growing up but she doesn't understand. My dad is even worse. I told her that I like this guy (who is 19, he's only 4 yrs older than me), and she went crazy. It's not like he even acts 19. He is so sweet and everything. I asked my mom if I could even hang out with him and she said NO WAY! I have been talking to him for a year now, but I only told her about him a few weeks ago. We got into a big fight and yet she still babies me. In three years I'll be 18,
and what if she's still babying me? I hope not! It's hard for
me to keep up with my friends since I'm not allowed anywhere.
The only place she allows me to go is like to the mall or to
the movies and I have to be with someone then too. I really want
to hang out with this guy, but how can I when my mom went crazy?
I'm not going to do anything stupid but I think she thinks that.
And anyway, when she was 17, she got married to a guy that was
four years older (21). Yet I'm not allowed to hardly talk to
this guy. I trust him like a brother. I can tell him anything.
Yet my mom will never understand that. My mom told me that when
I get married, that she wants to have an arranged marriage for
me. Now that is insane. she is always telling me what kind of
guy to go out with. When I was only 12, she tried convincing
me to go out with her boss's son who was 16. She wanted me to
go out with him because she thought that would be the perfect
guy for me. But if I don't like the guy, then there is no point
for me to go out with him. Another reason was because he has
money. I would rather love a guy who has little money then go
out with a guy I dont like that has alot of money. I should be
happy with whoever I date or marry. And I'm very mature too.
Its not like I act 15. I have been around adults all my life.
I have been around more adults then kids so it's possible for
me to act more mature. And yet she still won't let me grow up.
I have even asked her nicely. PLEASE give me some advice! Jean responds: Hi, Perhaps your mother is trying to protect you from what she considers her own foolishness as an adolescent, in marrying at 17. Remembering how little she knew about what she was doing then, she may re-live it all while watching you navigate your adolescent years. The problem with over-protection is that it doesn't work. It may work to crush the child's spirit, but that's not really what the parent wants. The parent wants the child to be "happy" but feels that the parent knows best how the child can achieve that. There is very little tolerance in someone who feels he/she made big mistakes in their own adolescence, for a teenage daughter's or son's finding her/his own way. I do think it's a mistake for parents to over-regulate and over-monitor their teens. There are a lot of Q&A's already posted in the Archives on this very topic; you might want to visit--search on restriction, over-protection, responsibility. In order to develop responsibility, you have to be given some freedom--even some freedom to make mistakes, in the hope that you learn from them. During your childhood years, your parents "drew a circle," as it were, inside of which it was safe for you to crawl, then toddle, then walk, then run, and maybe take a few falls, but nothing catastrophic. Now that you're growing up, it's much harder for the parents to know where to draw that line--it can be drawn too close to home, which is what sounds like is happening with you and your parents, or it can be drawn too far out or not drawn at all, which makes teens feel abandoned. After reading some of the material in the Archives, you might want to print out a few letters to show to your parents--see if you can get them to listen to you a bit. If not, maybe you could ask a counselor at your school or an older member of the extended family, if you think there is someone who can hear you, to talk to your parents with you. The boyfriend is another matter. Four years is a lot, at your age. It's not a matter of your mom not 'trusting' you, as in, she thinks you're not a good kid or you're stupid or something. It's that she knows the power of sexual feelings in a way that perhaps you cannot yet, and she's wanting to protect you from situations you may not be ready to handle. She's afraid of your being swept away in a way you can't anticipate and getting hurt in the process. It might be best for you to 'practice' with boys closer to your own age, if you can. Maybe your parents would let you begin to date if the boy were 16 rather than 19. In any case, you have a point: in 3 years, your parents will not be around all the time to guide you, and you have to start making some decisions on your own and taking the consequences of those decisions, as for instance whom to hang out with, where to go, etc. I favor teens' having the freedom to explore doing these things, within limits agreed upon with the parents. Sounds like you and they need to learn to negotiate what those limits look like, rather than your parents just stating what they are. You're welcome to show them this email, of course, if you think it might help. They are also welcome to write me their own letter, to share their side of the story. Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
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