Dear Jean:
I am at my end with my daughter. As I read some of your other letters I could relate to them, but mine seems even worse. My daughter is 15 y.o. She has always been very headstrong and determined, much like myself. We have always had the type of relationship where we are either best friends or worst enemies. But over the last year things have gotten much worse.

She has always been a good girl, she didn't try drugs, not sexually active and was trustworthy. She had good friends and did good things. Over this last summer, things changed. She met some people that don't have the same standards as herself or what we expect. This is when it started. Now, she still doesn't do drugs or isn't sexually active. The main thing with her is now her rebellion. She basically wants to do what she wants to do~all the time. She says she wants to be treated more like a grownup, but she constantly lies and sneaks around about everything. I told her being a grown-up doesn't mean having total freedom and having a hissy fit everytime you don't get your way. That's more of a life of a one year old.

Everyday we have an episode like this one...this morning, I tell her it's time to get up for school. A half hour later I'm still telling her it's time to get up. She "informs" me that she's not getting up, that she's going in late. I said, "No, you are getting up and going in on time". She says, No I"m not. Basically, anytime she doesn't get her way, then all hell breaks loose. I have tried everything. I am not a violent person in the least, but she brings out the very worst in me, and after dealing with this for so long now, I feel like I am going to totally lose it on her, or even a scarier thought, grow very cold towards her. Everyday, she makes me cry because of the hurtful things she says to me. I am her mother and I can't stop being that. But at the same time, everytime I know I am getting ready to be a mother, I know the fight will begin. It would be so much easier to just say, go...do what you want, have no curfew, chat on the net (local chat only) until all hours...etc....but I can't do that. As a mother, I feel I would be failing. But how do you be a mother and continue to keep the strength to do so, when your daughter doesn't want you to be? Sorry, this is so long and I appreciate any advice you can give. Sincerely,

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I think things are not so very bad, from your description, although I can hear the desperation and frustration in your message. My guess is that your daughter is trying to assert her independence and that both you and your daughter don't know where her "right to run her own life" bumps up against your responsibilities as a parent.

Let me try to give you some tips by quoting a crucial passage from your letter and commenting on the exchanges described therein:

"Everyday we have an episode like this one...this morning, I tell her it's time to get up for school. A half hour later I'm still telling her it's time to get up."

• It's your daughter's responsibility to get herself up on time for school. I suggest you tell her that and let her know that you aren't going to be calling her anymore. If she doesn't have a radio alarm, buy her one. If she doesn't get up on time to get herself to school, that's her problem. Not yours. The consequences are also hers, whatever they may be. You don't need to set consequences--there will be natural consequences from school, and if there aren't, then there's no harm in her not getting there on time.

"She "informs" me that she's not getting up that she's going in late."

• Your response: "Oh. Okay. I'm surprised you can do that without a consequence from the school that you won't like, but it's your life."

"I said, "No, you are getting up and going in on time". She says, No I"m not."

• This is a power struggle. Informing teens of what they are going to do is a no-win method of interaction for the simple reason that you CANNOT MAKE HER do what you think and know she should do. She has to establish this with you--that you can't make her do stuff. Being late for school is a relatively harmless way for her to make her point--and it's a way that has consequences that are really only going to affect her, not you. Be glad if she doesn't try to make her point in a more self-endangering way. When you challenge her around these relatively little things, you weaken the authority she may grant you over the big stuff--like insisting on going to see a boyfriend in another State on his college campus. You still won't be able to MAKE HER not do that--but if you've used your authority SPARINGLY, so she KNOWS you don't think you can control her, she MAY listen to you when you tell her she's not going to make such a visit.

"Basically, anytime she doesn't get her way, then all hell breaks loose."

• YOU want YOUR way, too, don't you? You want her to do what you think is right. But she's at the age where she's going to test that and sometimes take the chance of doing what SHE thinks is right, which may be different.

"I have tried everything."

• ...except letting her test her own independence and find her own identity.

"I am not a violent person in the least, but she brings out the very worst in me and after dealing with this for so long now, I feel like I am going to totally loose it on her, or even a scarier thought, grow very cold towards her."

• In fact, a move towards some increased emotional distance may be helpful. She needs space. She can't figure out how to get it, so she insults you. And you find trouble feeling warmly towards her because she makes you feel like you're not being a good parent--but that's because you misinterpret what "being a good parent" MEANS with an adolescent. Being a good parent of a teen does NOT mean that you control your teen's behavior; it means that you assist your teen to learn how to control her own behavior by letting her make mistakes that carry natural or imposed consequences.

I think it would be very helpful to you to read some of the Q&A's at the web site on independence, respect, limits--search on those words. The article on lying during the teen years may also be helpful.

In case you think you're in this alone--there's a great book written just for mothers of teenage girls with a very telling title: "I'm not mad, I just hate you!"

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

top of page