|
Dear Jean: My son is just 16, he thinks
this entitles him to He is in 10th grade, plays baseball for HS, went from 5 B's, 2 C's and an F in Biology (no help from the school on this) to 3 B's, 3 C's and a D. He got the F grade up and the others went down. I just found out he has been late for school 5 times, two of which were 2 hours (he takes the bus and should never be late); he told me he went out for breakfast with his friends those two times (he knew this would not be allowed by me). The other 3 were from hanging in the gym for 20 extra minutes. He is hanging with people he knew but never hung with before, as well as some old friends. He is caught lying about where he is, but calls home after the fact, and tries to correct it, [offeing excuses] like "I didn't know and the plans changed." I found a bottle of booze in his room and baggies that smelled of pot, a bong, lighters, etc. (doesn't seem like a one time thing). He admits he tried these things "to see for himself." He also had his girlfriend and another couple in the house when I was at work and never asked/told me (he knows this is NOT allowed). This accounts for why I just took a shift change to midnights so I will be home all the time, yes hubby will be there at night, I have a 7 yr. old too and feel both children need me there, just in different ways. My son is being lazy, not doing any chores, never had too either, this is MY fault as I never made him. He does have to do his own laundry (he starts it and leaves it for 2 days, I won't fold it I just stuff it in the basket hoping he doesn't like the wrinkles) and clean his bathroom. Only after I haunt him does he do it. He will on his own clean the sitting room if he is having company !!! I know his grades are not terrible, but he never does homework in my sight (doesn't have any he says), yet only misses a few, so I know he is just doing enough to get by; he is bright. So we talk to him, tell him we want to be there for him, we love him, want him to grow, know we can [can't ? -jw] control what he does, explain what we expect from him (good grades, honesty, respect), we tell how bad drinking and drugs are, that we are willing to do things for him if he shows us he is responsible, how much we can help him in general ...........and we get lies, drugs and laziness. I feel that I nag him so much about everything, do your laundry, hurry you'll miss the bus (and he has), any homework ?? Where are you gonna be? What time is your game, practice, are the parents going to be home etc etc. Now I even have to check up by calling the houses he will be at to be sure the parents are there; all us parents are doing that now because the kids lied before to us. I don't feel he is responsible enough to drive, I can't see why we should pay for driver's ed., take the time to drive him to classes, etc., etc. when he just does whatever, wherever he wants with no care in the world. What does this teach him? You can do what you want in life and still get rewarded?? A permit leads to a license so I think he shouldn't even get that yet. I tell him I want him to be able to handle the responsibility of driving and he is not even being responsible in anything else. He even remarked that the driving law that says you can't have passengers in the car for the 1st 6 months is not a big deal, no one goes by it and they don't enforce it, so he says he wouldn't have to go by it. We can discuss anything with my son, we are open, but I feel he is just too immature for this driving still. When will he be ready?? How will I know?? I don't think even you can answer that, right? But I think Moms do have a feel for these things. What do you think about all this. Thanks Jean Jean responds: Well, your disgust and resentment and frustration come through loud and clear, and I can surely understand how you got there. Welcome to adolescence! Okay, but the thing is, you also (and his other parent) have perhaps not been so responsible as you might have been..... What do I mean by that? I mean that by age 16 your son should have developed at least SOME respect for cause-and-effect in regulating his own behavior. But it sounds as if you have been overly regulating, if only by means of nagging, and so you've actually PREVENTED him from learning that he has to control his own self. Perhaps this seems harsh. I can imagine it does. I do not at all underestimate or misunderstand your intent in all of the things you do and have done to further his wellbeing. But, YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM AND YOU'RE ACTING AS IF YOU CAN. This teaches him that, (a) maybe he really ISN'T responsible for himself -- maybe you're responsible for him, and (b) that he has to act out in order to get you to realize that you really do NOT have control over him. In other words, this parental behavior just confuses him. I think you're going to have to go back to square one in terms of approaching each area of problematic behavior (grades, having friends over without permission, using drugs/alcohol) with him and let him know, in areas where he's already acted unacceptably, that THE NEXT TIME he does that, the consequence will be such and so. Then, IMPLEMENT, IMPLEMENT, IMPLEMENT like crazy....be SURE that consequences follow, and do so: without anger without criticism without lectures without tears without pleading. Just lower the boom. Boom! A follows B. Period. With regard to behaviors at school other than grades: I'd suggest you let the school deal with it. Regarding grades, I suggest you tell him he's bright enough to pass all his subjects, so if he brings up ALL his grades to no lower than C in each, and that's good enough for him, then cool, you'll let him run his own life in this regard. If he gets midterm notices or grades lower than C in any area, institute an enforced study hour until next grade period. Then let him try it on his own again. (Much much more info on imposing
study hours is in the Archives; search
on academic GIVE UP nagging him! If he falls on his face, let him. Start acting responsibly toward HIM, i.e., preparing him for the real world, and maybe, just maybe, he'll slowly find his feet and start taking control of his life. If you feel like he's not mature enough to drive, don't sign for his permit. But don't lecture him about it. Give him one good reason, like, "You still don't get it about why the law was passed forbidding new drivers from taking others in their cars for 6 months; you think it's a joke. This proves to me that you are nowhere near ready to drive a car. Ask me again in six months. We'll see if you've learned anything by then." You've gotta back off emotionally and let this kid start taking responsibility for himself. Jean. PS: The laundry routine sounds like it's going well! Good for you! Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
a driver's permit, and then license. I think he should show some
general responsibility first. I will tell you what he is up to
these days and you can tell me what you think.