Parenting Adolescents Archives

My wife and I have a 16 year-old daughter who is doing well by all outward accounts (we also have a 12 year-old daughter). She is an honor roll student, she is extremely engaged and successful in an outside activity (theater), she has great friends, doesn't drink/smoke, etc.

The problem is that her relationship with my wife is painfully off track. The major dynamic is that our daughter will pick on my wife (both to her face and behind her back) until my wife loses her temper and says something regretful.

This has been a consistent pattern for a few years. I read your questions and answers often, in order to try to remind myself of the underlying developmental issues so as not to "take the bait" when our daughter turns these behaviors toward me (which happens far less often, but does happen from time to time). I also feel that your questions and advice have given me the perspective that overall, the issues we face are manageable and hopefully temporary.

I have encouraged my wife to read the letters on your site, and to read other articles, in the hopes that maybe it would help her see the triggers in her relationship with our daughter - so that my wife wouldn't find herself in unpleasant conversations and situations most of the time. By and large, my wife tunes my suggestions out (I'm sure that I sound preachy to her, although I try not to). In reality, I have just become part of the problem - my attempts to help are seen by my wife as me being someone whom she can't turn to when these things happen.

Last night, when my wife was driving my daughter to a friend's house (a five-minute ride), they had a particularly bad blowup which ended with my wife telling my daughter to "___ off". Obviously, my wife regrets saying that, and she immediately apologized by a text (my daughter was leaving town with the friend's family for the weekend). When I got home, my wife told me about what had happened, and I suggested that maybe we need to get into couseling in order to figure out some new way of communication or interacting, because I feel that what we have in the house isn't working. My wife's response was to tell me that this is something I can't "fix" - "just because two people live in the same house, it doesn't mean they have to like each other."

So this is where we are - I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. Thank you.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for sending in a question. How hard it is to be a 'third peson' observing discord and damage between people you love. And I also get that sometimes you're the one being attacked. But it sounds as if you've been able to maintain a more adult position, at least most of the time, in the face of your 16 year old's verbal attacks, while your wife tends to 'lose it.'

You are quite right that I advise parents to try their best not to take their teenagers' verbal attacks personally. Usually the teen is just trying to draw a line between themselves and the parent, without knowing how to do that in a more constructive way. When a parent responds 'in kind,' the teen will not reflect on her/his own responsibility in the matter but rather point to the parent's upsetness as a sign of the parent's craziness.

And in a way, they're right! It is kind of nuts of us to succumb to the provocation they put out there. One of the books reviewed at the web site is called Screamfree Parenting. The point of the book is that parents need to work to remain in control of themselves, so that they can retain some authority and get some respect from their kids. You can't always do it, of course; the kids know too well how to push your buttons. But that should be the attempt, and the parents need to be more able than not to maintain their cool while the teen provokes.

When one partner feels that counseling is needed, then according to me, counseling is needed. Your wife may be right that you have a simplistic 'fix it' view, but if so, that could be pointed out in the counseling, and you could be helped to understand the problem in a broader context. You don't need to wait until she thinks it's a good idea: tell her you are heartrbroken and unhappy with what is going on and unwilling for it to keep going on, and that you want her to consult a counselor with you. If she won't, then go yourself: you may find some tips at least for how to deal with this difficult situation.

However, in all fairness, you may want to point out to your wife that these exchanges with the daughter are interfering with your happiness in the marriage, so she can realize what a serious thing it really is.

Perhaps it would be useful for your wife to read this email. Good luck.

Jean.