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Dear Jean:
There are a few times, when my husband is out of town, that my soon-to-be sixteen year old daughter will sleep in my bed with me. We have fun snuggling a bit and talking, or reading together. When my husband finds out, he is enraged. He talks how disgusting it is that we do this. I do not understand his anger or disgust. I think it is fine. I am actually happy we still do this at her age. He is also very critical of her and, in my opinion, obsessed with her every compliance or non compliance with daily rules (bedtime, clothes on floor, eating, etc.). He feels he is the only one making her "toe the line," yet all he does is estrange us both. I mainly do not understand his take on our "slumber" nights together. Is he just jealous? Jean responds: Hi, Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com. You don't say whether your husband is your daughter's father. Establishing a stepfamily, especially when an adolescent is involved, is more difficult than people generally think it ought to be. But whether this is her father or her stepfather, the situation is complicated. Given that your experience is that your husband is estranging you and your daughter from him, it seems to me imperative that you and your husband get some help with how to heal this rift. Very often a parent can experience some jealousy of a child, whether his/her own or a stepchild. It seems odd to be jealous of a child, but the partner in a marriage can feel that his/her place is challenged by the strong feelings between a parent and a child. When the child is taking the place of the spouse in bed (I am not implying that anything sexual is going on--just that the child is in the bed in the absence of the spouse), that jealousy can be fed. Our spouse or partner is our primary source of reinforcement of our feelings of being an adult worthy of another adult's commitment and love. The partner gives the other one something no child can give--just as the child gives the parent nothing no partner can give. The relationships are different, both necessary, and establishing good boundaries can help strengthen attachments that are appropriate to each. Having your daughter sleep with you when your husband is gone tends to blur the boundaries between these very different relationships. Whatever is going on with your husband, I think you would benefit from getting your daughter out of your bed when he is gone. A time of snuggling, talking, and reading together with your daughter can happen when your husband is present and when he is gone, but preferably not in your bed. It sounds like there is also conflict around the expectations that your husband holds for your daughter's behavior. Some counseling for you and your husband could help a lot in clarifying how to approach rules and expectations with her. Seeking counseling together also establishes the two of you as the 'parental unit.' It may also help to read some of the Q&As in our Archives on the topic of setting limits. You need to learn how to work together to parent this child. It is not good for your daughter to experience the conflict between you and your husband. She needs both of you. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be  educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.
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