16 missing out?
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Hi
Jean,
Hi. My son is 16 1/2 years old and is a Junior
in High School. He is very bright and does well in
school. He is also active in sports.
The problem
I have is that he doesn't hang out with anyone. He has no
friends that he hangs out with at all. I asked his
teachers and they say he is social at school..he eats lunch
with friends..but nothing on his own outside of school and
sports. When I explain how important it is to have people to
hang out with he says he doesn't care, he doesn't need anyone
and he is happy the way things are.
I believe
that at this point in his life he doesn't know where to start
to make friends and that he thinks it's too late but can't
admit that to us or himself. I've encouraged him to have
friends over..we have a finished basement they could hang out
in but he fights me on it all the time. It's not like I
can make play dates for him at this stage. We thought he was
just a late bloomer and eventually he would come around, but I
don't see it happening, and the longer it takes the less
likely it seems it will happen.
I highly doubt he
will go to his prom this year or any other social event, but I
cannot fathom sending him off to college when he really hasn't
been exposed to the social setting in high school. Should
I be worried? He is good kid and he's doing well
everywhere else, but this is such a big part of growing up,
and I'm afraid he is missing
out.
Jean
responds:
Hi,
Ah, we want so much for
them! It's painful to believe they are missing out on
something important.
I know you know that he must have
a reason for not socializing with peers outside of school: you
even have a guess about what it is--i.e., that he doesn't know
how to go about making friends and furthermore thinks it's too
late and can't admit it.
You may be right about
his reasons; who knows? The thing is, your insights, thoughts,
feelings, and advice on this topic are apparently of no use to
him. In fact, I would go so far as to say that your continuing
to approach him, directly or indirectly, about his socializing
with friends outside of school is very likely making things
worse!
You see, you feel like he's missing out
on something. But he does not! I know you find it
hard to believe his words, think he's in denial. But even if
he is, you have no choice but to respect what he tells you. As
long as you take on the 'problem' of his visiting
with friends, he cannot own it as a problem of his own--if in
fact at some level he really does think it is a
problem! He cannot even know what he truly
thinks or feels about the whole thing because his major
goal is just to get you off his back!
I'm not saying
that he thinks about you in a mean way, as the words might
suggest: I just know that adolescents are trying so hard to
'be their own people,' and on the way to doing this, they know
at first only that they aren't you.
Your son
may on some level be ambivalent about socializing with peers
outside of school. But he can't discover his mixed
feelings when you're doing such a good job of representing one
side of those feelings--the part that says he 'should'
socialize and that it is 'good for him' and
'important.'
You don't need to explain anything to him.
He already knows how you think and feel about this, and he
rehearses the same arguments in his own head, I'm sure,
although he'd not tell you that.
He has his
reasons for not socializing with peers outside of school.
Whatever these reasons are, he either doesn't choose to share
them with you (perhaps because it doesn't feel safe to do so)
or doesn't clearly know what they are, himself. You have
provided a wonderful setting for him and encouraged him to
find his way here; whatever the reasons are, they're not your
fault.
As you say he's doing so well everywhere in his
life, my short advice to you is, leave him alone on this
issue! Enjoy the beauty that there is in his life, and let him
enjoy it too. Celebrate who he is exactly as he is!
Sounds like he has a great deal to offer and that most parents
would be down on their knees in gratitude if their 16-year-old
were like yours.
Now, you'd get an entirely different
response from me if the not socializing with peers were part
of a pattern that suggested isolation and depression, but your
account is absent anything that would make me think that
something like that is going on.
Sometimes we want them
to have the adolescence we did--or the adolescence we
didn't. But it's their adolescence, not ours
(even if we did make them--or go out and find them to
adopt).
Kids deal with adjusting to the peer
group in many different ways. Sometimes they don't find a real
comfort until they're away from home. Do not even think of not
sending him to college because he hasn't been 'exposed' to the
social situation in high school. There are reasons not to send
a kid of to college, but that's not one of them.
Hope
this response helps you think about the situation.
If you decide I just don't get it, write back!
Good luck, and thanks for writing to Parenting
Adolescents.com.
Jean.
Disclaimer:
Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be
educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face
to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health
professional.
Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to
your question is intended to be
educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face
to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health
professional.
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