Dear Jean:
My 16-year-old daughter (our only child) is never home! Between school activities/clubs, babysitting, volleyball practice/tournaments, youth group, Bible study, and being with friends, my husband and I rarely see her. For example, yesterday (Friday), she went directly from school to babysit for 4 hours, came home for 15 minutes and went out to dinner with a friend, drove from dinner to a sleepover party. She came home this morning (Saturday) for approximately an hour to clean the bathroom (one of her chores) and take a shower, then went shopping with another friend. That friend dropped her off to yet another friend, and the 2 of them are going to watch the district school band competition tonight. When I told her that I wanted her to come home tonight, she was upset because she wanted to spend the night with this friend. I stated again that I wanted her home tonight. When she asked "why?" (and was upset with me), I didn't have a good answer! It just seems that she SHOULD be home more often. Am I being too lenient by letting her be "on the go" so much? My husband and I are both introverts and need our "down time," and I feel she should need it too.

She is good about meeting curfews and calls us from her cell phone to update us about her "whereabouts".

What are your thoughts? Please be candid.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I think you can thank your lucky stars that your daughter is so well able to fill her life with constructive activities, many of them with peers. I don't think at all that there is a "should" about her being home. I think you just MISS her, and that's fine to share with her. Try telling her something like, "We just miss seeing you. On the other hand, we think you're a great kid and are having a great life, and we respect and admire that. Can we compromise? Maybe we can say that at least once a week, you're home for the evening--you can choose the evening--or, maybe you're home for the dinner hour 6 nights a week, but are free to be gone the rest of the evening....or something like that. We do think it's important for us to remain a family, and it doesn't feel like we're a family when you're gone literally almost all of the time." Negotiate with her from a position of love--don't give up your need for her to be there some of the time, but negotiate about when/how much. If you can come up with a structure she and you can accept, she'll feel "at choice" about what she does with her hours the rest of the time.

One of the hard parts about parenting an adolescent is accepting that as parents we no longer seem to be the central focus in their lives, as we were when they were children. But never underestimate your importance to your teen; that she can "take for granted" that you're always there, that she doesn't NEED to focus on you, but is free to explore who she is and can become, is the greatest gift you could have given her. You are "always there" inside of her, your influence on her is profound, but as she reaches to increase her own autonomy, which is normal for this age, she may need to resist the pull she feels toward remaining focused on you especially because she is your only child.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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