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Dear Jean: My 16-year-old boy has new
driver's license and He also thinks midnight is not too late, wherein I stay awake until he comes home, and it is too late for me. I feel that I possibly just don't want to give him up to independence and want to give him the freedom he deserves to grow. So I don't know what may be reasonable. He has above average grades, a nice girlfriend and is relatively respectful. Although he says that since he now works more hours than I do (I am a single mom and his brother is disabled), he should get to do what he wants. How do I respond to this? Thanks for your help. Jean responds: Hi, Thanks for writing to ParentingAdolescents.com. Sounds as if you've done a great job with your 16-year-old! Keep up the good work! I'm especially impressed with your capacity to reflect on the possibility that you "just don't want to give him up." Yes, yes. Good for you to realize this! I think midnight sounds quite reasonable for a 16-year-old; I'm not sure you need to wait up, but if you do, then that's your burden, I guess. It's not fair to limit him because it's too late for you. If you don't stay up all the time, but do sometimes, you can be doing "spot checks" on when he gets in -- or, you can set your alarm for 12:30 and see if he's in. Regarding his staying home a couple of nights a week: that sounds reasonable to me...there's no real justification you need to give, other than that you want him with the family in the evening two nights a week. Let him choose the nights unless there's a reason to insist on specific ones. I'd recommend regular nights each week, so you don't have to haggle weekly about which nights he'll be home. Let him moan and groan about it and object and complain, but still, he has to be home the two nights. Try not to need to be "right" about it -- just tell him you miss him too much when he's continually gone, and maybe he's right that you're off-base about this, but that's just the way you feel and your best judgment for now. Re his, "I can do what I want because now I work more hours than you": Ha! A bit of grandiosity here.... Grin and bear it. He knows better, on some level. But: the serious part you should "hear" in this is that he DOES need and deserve more freedoms as he grows older, and he WILL be growing away from you, and if you're not prepared, better work on getting prepared, post-haste! You need to let him "do what he wants" in as many areas as it is safe to allow him to do so, this is reasonable, and in as many areas as you can manage while not putting yourself out unduly. Beyond that, though, you're still his parent and responsible to set some limits on his behavior, as needed, until he's out on his own. Sounds like a great kid, and you sound like a great mother, and I'm sure there's some connection there! Congratulations! Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
wants to be out every night and ENJOY his summer. I want him
home at least a couple nights a week. He works, is a reasonable
kid??(how did that happen), and we are both willing to compromise
and discuss what is reasonable.