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Dear Parent:
Thank you for writing in. I think your letter contains many threads that will resonate with other parents of teens, and that’s why I’ve chosen it as Question of the Week. My overall sense after having read your letter is that your son may be feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of having to function as an independent adult. Most adolescents do on some level fear independence, even though they also fight to the death for it. I am a little concerned that your son is not fighting you more for his independence, at least not openly fighting. I would be more concerned about this stance of his--a kind of "I am overwhelmed by my life" stance--if that’s an accurate representation, than I would be about his dabbling in drinking and smoking, etc. Many parents believe it is their responsibility to control their adolescents’ behavior. In my view, this is a deadly error. First, you can’t do it--they’re not little kids any longer, and they can do stuff behind your back, as you have only too clearly seen, and you literally cannot force them to do or not do one single thing. But also it’s a bad tack because their job is to learn how to stand on their own two feet, and if you’re accepting the responsibility for controlling them, how are they supposed to learn to control themselves? I would wonder if you have held the reins a bit too tightly with your son…I’d need more examples of how you deal with and have in the past dealt with him, but this is a question I’d like you to reflect on. You may even want to ask him whether it’s his opinion that you’ve been a bit strict with him, and if so, how that has made him feel. Rearing children through adolescence is a balancing act--they need your involvement and interest, but not with too much intensity. They need limits, but not too many. They need consequences for stepping over the line, but not consequences that are too severe or lengthy. They need you to treat them like young adults as often as possible and to be there with open arms when they want to run to you because they feel like scared little kids. Okay, that’s my general take….now as to your letter’s specific points: I’ve printed your paragraphs and then my specific responses to the points in each. ___________________________________________________________________________ Dear Jean: I have a 17 year old son who will be a senior in high school this fall. He had a big group of friends until there was a "falling out" in 5th grade. Since that time he has mostly just had one friend he occasionally spent time with. This friend dropped out of high school in freshman year to be home schooled. When I asked my son why he didn’t go out with any friends he made comments like they smoke cigarettes, drink or smoke pot. He was very against these things. Then last January he started to hang out more with this one friend, and the group expanded. My son has admitted to smoking cigarettes and to trying alcohol, but only after I found evidence. [No adolescent would volunteer this information to his parents when he knows not only that you disapprove, but also that he himself has said he is against smoking and drinking. So I’m not surprised he didn’t tell you up front.] I was putting away his clothes that had been sitting in the laundry room for two weeks and found the alcohol and lighter in his drawer. [You get points, as far as I’m concerned, for not going through his things without his permission. Apparently it is okay with him for you to put his clothes away, especially when he’s not found time to do that for weeks--so he has to be prepared for whatever you may find when you do that. But: be sure not to be snooping; it doesn’t pay off in the end. Read the article at this site on privacy for more of my thoughts about that issue.] He said he just smokes cigarettes and is a social smoker. He said he plans to quit in a couple of years. He doesn’t want his sister to know he smokes. [So he is ambivalent about having taken up smoking. Good. You might just want to try to help him explore his own ambivalence, by saying something like, "So you don’t want your sister to know about it….I’m guessing because you don’t want her to take it up? Which means, I guess, that you don’t really feel so good about it? I'm wondering, though, what it does for you?" This kind of query is not condemning, if you don’t deliver it with a hostile tone…you’re just trying to reflect back to him his own feelings and thoughts, and help him to reflect a little more.] He said he only tried alcohol to see what it was like but doesn’t drink. He said he doesn’t do drugs. [It’s not uncommon for teens to experiment with smoking, alcohol, even drugs. Just take his word for it that he’s not drinking regularly or doing drugs, until you have reason no longer to believe him.] I talked to my son's friend’s mother and she told me the boys don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. She is either in denial or lying. My son said that his friend who is 18 buys the cigarettes for him. His father and I told him we don’t condone his smoking. I also found out there is no parental supervision at this house as both parents are at work. [This mother may in fact not be in touch with the reality of her son’s (and your son’s) behaviors with regard to smoking, drink, and drugs. Not much you can or should do about that. As there’s no parental supervision there, you might want to make an agreement with your son that he not spend time there when parents are not at home--if your son is up for such an agreement.] This summer he has been coming home at 11PM weeknights and 12PM weekends. These are the curfews his dad and I thought were fair for a boy his age. [You thought these curfews were fair. But did he? With most teens, especially as they grow older, it doesn’t work very well to hand down arbitrary rules. You need the teen’s buy-in on what the rules are as well as what the consequences are for breaking the rules.] Once he comes home he will then stay up playing computer games, downloading music and surfing the Internet until 4 or 6AM . He then will sleep until 3 or 4PM. At about this time his friend calls and he goes out again until 11 or 12PM . [And so, he’s found ways technically to abide by the hours you set, and at the same time to run his own life in the way he sees fit. He’s trying to find some independence within the limits that you have set. If he has no other responsibilities during the days or evenings--no job, no schoolwork to do--then it’s hard to tell him he can’t go out with his friend, especially since he’s home on time. You haven’t asked, but I will say anyway that I think it would be okay for you to talk with him about wanting him home (just because you like to see him a bit now and then) for family dinner--if that’s something you do--a certain number of times a week. Their peers are everything to them during adolescence, and you can’t compete. That’s normal. But you can insist, if you want to, that he needs to be either present with the family from time to time or be productive in some way for at least part of the time during the summer. These would be matters for discussion with him--not matters to be decreed by you. And, during such a discussion, I'd suggest you check in with him whether he feels the curfew times are fair. You may have his technical compliance, but not really his agreement on that. Please search the Archives on curfew for more on setting hours limits with teens.] I have asked my son to invite his friends over to our house but he doesn’t want to because we will be home. [This strikes me as an area for discussion, e.g., why wouldn’t he want his friends to visit when you are home? There could be many reasons--he may feel embarrassed in some way, may feel your limits are too strict, what else…you can’t know unless you ask him, and you need to ask him uncritically, so he feels safe enough to tell you his reasons.] My son was in the gifted program in grammar school. He never liked school. He will only do what he needs to do to pass a class. That worked until his junior year when he failed one class. He hid the midterm grades from his father and me. He is overwhelmed when it comes to thinking about plans after high school. [If he is passing his classes, that has to be good enough. When he gets notice that he is failing, you ask him if he thinks he can bring the grade up to passing by the next midterm (or whatever marking point seems appropriate). If he says he thinks he can, you say great. If it turns out he doesn’t bring the grade up to passing, you tell him you realize you can’t make him study, but you have to try to get his attention to this important area of his life, which he hasn’t been able to handle on his own, so you will be imposing a study period each evening that precedes a school day. During the study period, he will not be allowed to talk on the phone, listen to music/radio, watch TV, surf on the computer, or do anything else but attend to schoolwork. Parents can feel like their gifted children should work up to their potential. But who works up to his/her potential? Very few of us--perhaps no one, in fact. Don’t let academic performance become a battleground. Read some of the other Q&As already in the Archives on academic performance. Regarding planning for after high school: I would wonder if he feels he just may not be ready for college, emotionally. If that‘s the case, that needs to be okay. Without more info, it’s hard to know exactly what’s going on here, but perhaps you can talk with him about it, if he’s willing.] Last year and this year I asked the doctor to screen for depression at his physicals. Both times the doctors said he's fine. [Good for you for being alert to the possibility of depression, which certainly is a threat during the teen years. But apparently the doctor has cleared him on that score, and your description of his behavior does not, in itself, suggest depression.] My son isn't interested in getting his driver's license or getting a job. We have a rule in the house that he must pay for his own car insurance in order to drive our car. [Paying for his own car insurance in order to get the privilege of driving the car sounds like a good idea to me, but apparently he is not motivated to drive the car. Are you suggesting that he’s not motivated to drive because he can’t face the prospect of having to get a job in order to pay for the insurance? And/Or, does the lack of motivation extend further--are you worried that he’s not motivated to do anything positive for himself or with his life? Is that why you’re thinking maybe he’s depressed? It might be helpful to check out the page called About Getting Help at this site, where I describe when to be worried about a teenager, when to seek help. And if you continue to worry about a real lack of motivation that you feel may not be explained by his quiet rebellion against what he may experience as your holding the reins too tightly, then make an appointment with a counselor experienced in working with adolescents and discuss your feelings with him/her. Your son’s life is too important, and your relationship with him too important, for you to hold back from talking with someone in depth and in person who is qualified to help you assess the sources of your anxiety.] He is supposed to do his own laundry but usually just wears dirty clothes. His room is a mess, I now just close the door. I use to remind him to take a shower but now I keep my mouth shut. My husband told me this is normal teenage boy behavior. I have several friends with boys about the same age and they also share similar stories. Is this normal teenage behavior? [Yes. And: of the things you’ve listed, I would be concerned only about his not taking a shower, if this is marked…does he go around looking slovenly, in his friends’ opinion? How bad is the lack of grooming? What you want to try to figure out is whether the not taking a shower is, again, a quiet way of rebelling against your standards of what is appropriate/healthy/acceptable, or is, rather, a way of his communicating that he doesn’t feel good about himself.] What can we do to help our son to be happy and complete high school with a future to look forward to? [You can try the following: Give him space. Don’t pry, don’t remind, don’t push for information about what he’s doing, thinking, feeling. Asking--once--is okay, but don’t make him feel like you’re squeezing him, so he won’t perhaps have to feel so much like ‘running away,’ in a sense--defending himself from what he may experience as too much control from you. Discuss necessary limits that need to be set in problematic areas, such as no smoking, drinking, or drugs under your roof, as well as consequences that will occur if/when these rules are broken. You need to discuss with him what you feel is reasonable and get his feedback on what HE thinks is reasonable, and then come to a point of agreement. He needs to know in advance what the consequences for breaking the rules will be, so he is at choice in following the rules or breaking them and taking the consequences. This is an adult position, and he is almost an adult. Follow through with the consequences when the rules are broken. The consequences don’t need to be severe--they just need to be predictable and they need to be implemented consistently. Tell him that you love him and that you think he’s a good person and will make a contribution to the world. Tell him something you’re proud of about him, often--dig deep and find the good stuff that you really are proud of about him. Let him know that there are many ways to make a contribution in this world, and that going to college and then on to some kind of career or whatever is only one way. If he is not ready to go to college after high school, that’s okay. Many young adults are NOT ready, even though in our society going on to college has now become almost like graduating from high school! He just needs to be productive in some way--working at something or studying something with commitment--while he tries to find where he belongs. And, be willing to go talk to someone yourself if you remain worried about your son--this sends a signal to him that you are trying hard to be good parents, that you don’t pretend to know it all, and that it’s okay to ask for help. Hope all of this helps a little. Thanks again for a great question. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is intended to be |
educational
and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation
or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.