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Dear Jean: I am not sure how to deal with
my 17 yr. old Upon returning home, my husband talked to her about speeding off in anger and the fact that she could kill someone or herself. Her answer was that that could happen anyway. I tried to talk to her about the anger and she stormed away throwing her full pepsi can on the kitchen floor, storming out of the house and then speeding off in her father's car. She absolutely refuses to talk to me about any of her anger issues and will only write to me about what she is feeling. When we try to discuss the bad behavior with her she will stare off into space and refuses to participate in the conversation or she will attack us verbally and try to twist everything around as though it is all our fault. I need some help or a resource to get help in dealing with her. She is basically a good kid, but she has gotten into this black mood where the world is against her, including my husband and I (so she thinks). She absolutely refuses to listen to reason and will literally drown me out if I try to correct her in any way. She says we don't love her or care about her. Yet, she will not talk to us and goes to her room and locks the door when we try to initiate contact. Jean responds: Hi, Sounds like your daughter has an aggravated case of being 17. First of all, teens of all ages tend to be very narcissistic--they can't imagine why everyone would not do everything they say, give them everything they want. Try not to think of it as a character defect; it's just an altered point of view, which kind of protects them during this growing period, though it drives the rest of us bananas! Secondly, being not only a teen but 17, your daughter may be experiencing a kind of 'pre-separation syndrome,' in which she senses that she will be expected to be more or less adult in a year's time, while she feels quite unready to assume adult status. Therefore, she acts like a kid (throwing her pop on the kitchen floor) to communicate her fear, without acknowledging it. In fact she can't acknowledge it because it's unconscious to her--she would probably swear she's dying to be independent and "free" of you at last! If she's just being obnoxious with you, but is fine elsewhere--doing okay at school, has a friend or two--I wouldn't worry much about it, but it does sound as if you need to set some limits. Have no more than 3 or 4 major rules for her behavior, which you discuss with her (only have rules in areas that are problematic) and for which you announce consequences for breaking those rules, in advance. Setting limits and implementing consequences without criticizing or correcting her will help her actually feel more adult because it's an adult arangement: a kind of 'actions have consequences' program. Don't try to argue, plead, or even reason with her. Just start implementing consequences: --tell her she cannot drive her father's car if she drives unreasonably, unsafely--the next time she speeds off in anger, she loses driving privileges for at least a week (depending on how often she drives--if she rarely drives anyway, make it a month) --read some of the Q&A's in the Archives relating to setting limits and consequences; search on those words to find the relevant material. There are going to be other areas, besides the driving, in which you'll need to set some limits, with "real life" consequences (something happens after her misbehavior other than your just get ting upset with her or talking to her about what she's done). Don't insist on any contact with her other than what she herself initiates, except maybe you demand that she appear at dinner X times a week, during which she just has to be civil, though not necessarily warm. Stop seeking her out; let her come to you. (Which she may do only when she needs you for something.) Don't try to get her to talk to you, but be there if she does want to talk. Read limits,consequences,attitude,independence (search on those words). Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
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daughter.
She seems to think that she has the right to tell her father
and me how to spend our money. She is currently very angry because
we do not buy her a car. My husband recently lost his job and
we are not in a position to buy her a car.