Dear Jean:

I am a 17 year old Senior about to graduate. I have had a horrible relationship with both of my parents for about over a year now. I know that part of this may be my fault but they are convinced all of it is. Maybe parents just think a lot different then I do. I just don't know what to think, and I pretty much have no one to talk to about this besides friends, which I don't really want to do. Everytime I try to express my opinion with my parents all I get is scolded or told to respect them and I have no appreciation etc.

This all started about a year ago when I got a girlfriend and just never really wanted to be at home, you know? I've been caught drinking with some friends at my house once and with marijuana two times. Neither of these things have affected my school work as I will be attending college next year. The only thing is that it seems to me that this has made my mom and dad's opinion of me very very low. They think nothing of me, in my opinion. I'm afraid to even say anything sometimes. They try to treat me like a 14 year old and don't recognize that I am becoming an adult. They are convinced I am the worst child ever and that I am the only teenager who is rebelling against their parents. I'm just very lost and don't even know what to try anymore. They also hold things over my head like paying for things such as college and my car. All of this adds up to me just wanting to move out ASAP and try to pay for everything myself. I know it's not worth it but I don't know how much more I can take. Please read this and tell me what you think.
Thanks,

Jean responds:

Hi,

It's hard when you're almost at the age when you'll be leaving home and there is still such anger between parents and teen. I can understand your feeling depressed in response to what feels to you like a loss of your parents' esteem, in reaction to what sound like rather typical adolescent "trial" behaviors, such as experimenting with alcohol or marijuana. (I'm assuming you're talking about such experimentation, and not about regular use or even abuse. If you are using alcohol or drugs regularly, you need help; ask at your school to be referred to an alcohol/substance abuse professional.) You mention your taking on a girl friend, too, as a marker for your parents somehow. I wonder if they are just having trouble letting go of you -- letting you grow up?

Sometimes parents, who have worked to support and nurture a teen for so many years, are shocked when the teen reaches a certain age and begins to assert his/her own need for independence and a separate identity from that of the parents. If parents don't understand what's happening, these developments, which are natural and necessary, can feel like a betrayal or like their beloved offspring has "turned bad."

It might help your parents if you printed out some of the Q&A's in the Archives that focus on independence and exploring identity -- find them by typing these words into the Search box at the site and clicking Search.

I'd recommend that you try to approach your parents respectfully and calmly, at a time when there seems to be less rancor, and tell them that you are very sad about losing their esteem, and that you want to have a better relationship with them. Tell them that you've written to me, show them this email, if you want, or else just print out my answer, as well as some of the other Q&A's at the site. Ask if they will read some of them, and then talk with you -- or, tell them that they can write me their own letter.

If none of this does any good, or you can't imagine approaching them this way, try to find an older family relative or friend they respect who you think will also be able to listen to you, and ask for their assistance in acting as intermediary between you and your mom and dad. If there's a counselor at your school, he or she might be able to help you think of someone.

It sounds as if you're quite a responsible young man, and although I know it hurts not to have your parents' esteem right now, I hope you will not blame yourself. It's tough to rear kids, and parents can get lost along the way at times. Hopefully, they'll "right" themselves and come round. Please try to be patient with them.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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