Dear Jean:
Our basically great 17 yr. old son just came home with his ear pierced - which he knows from previous discussions over the last 2 yrs. - is something his dad and I were against. He's an honor student, works part time, attends church with us weekly (even though he doesn't want to), plays sports, doesn't do drugs/drink (as far as we know), etc. I'm really sad and hurt that he broke our trust. I also recognize that he is past the stage where we can physically "force" him to do anything. I feel like he has damaged our relationship, and I don't want any further damage to it, but feel we need to respond. Any ideas? P.S. I'm at work and don't have my credit card with me so I can't send a contribution now.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

It sounds to me as if your son is testing his relationship with you, not trying to damage it. I know how you feel, though--I remember how I felt when my daughters came home with ears pierced--I felt like, "Wait a minute! I made your bodies! You don't get to do stuff to them without my permission! And you know I disapprove of pierced ears." Boy, was I wrong.

Did you trust your son never to do anything that you wouldn't approve of? If so, your trust was mistaken. Teens NEED to do stuff their parents disapprove of. They have to prove that they are their own persons! He has to do things that you won't like, in order to prove that you don't run his life, and that both he and YOU can survive his rebellions.

He is trying to become more independent of you and to establish his own identity....how better to do that than to alter his body in some way? He is saying, "I own my body, not you; I own my soul, not you; I AM NOT YOU." He needs to know that you WON'T reject him for such literally harmless ways in which he can assert himself, that both you and he will survive this test of his capacity to differentiate himself from you.

You don't have to LIKE it, but you do have to tolerate this kind of thing, admitting to him that you understand that he will not always do what you like. In future, it might be better in discussing possible conduct to say to him essentially that YOU WOULD NOT LIKE FOR HIM to do such and so, but you realize that IT IS HIS LIFE, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DO OR NOT DO ANYTHING. This explicit admission of his power to control his own life may reduce his motivation to act out in small ways to prove to you that it is so.

You should be worried about him if he does NOT sometimes do stuff that you're against. He has to grow up and take responsibility for his own behavior. This is a good sign: that he is becoming more independent. Try to remember that you want him to be independent, even if that also includes making what, to you, are mistakes.

Hope this helps a little.

PS: Re the contribution question: you can find a way to support the site; it doesn't have to be monetary.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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