Dear Jean:
My question may be a bit unusual in that I am not looking for help in managing negative behavior, but in "good" behavior! My 17 year old son does okay in school, holds a part time job, does his chores without being told, does his own laundry, likes the usual tv/computer/video games and is generally easy to get along with and responds well to discussion when necessary. However, although socially connected at school, he chooses not to get involved with friends outside of school. He is anti-drinking and anti-drugs and says this is how most of his classmates spend their leisure hours. We live in the country and he goes to school in a small town.

My husband of a few years has suggested (strongly) to me that I am creating a "mama's boy" by spending time each day watching a tv show he wanted me to watch with him, and that in doing so, I am not allowing him to become independent. My husband spends little time with him, believing they have nothing in common, and I have given up hope of this ever changing. They are cordial and respectful and nothing more. I am and have been the primary person in my son's life with day to day care, etc.

My question is: how do you support a teen through the normal "breaking away" when there are no real signs of wanting to do so? How do I know whether I am contributing to hampering his development? I'm looking forward to your response. Thanks.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for sending a question to Parenting Adolescents that is, in fact, different from what we usually hear. I'm sure that most parents would be so very grateful if their adolescent were performing as successfully as your son is and giving you so little trouble. You must be doing something very right.

On the other hand, good for you to wonder if you're nourishing his independence and to write in about that.

I have to say from the outset, though, that there is a significant piece of information that is not given in your letter, and without that info, I'm not sure how relevant my response will be. This significant piece concerns the boy's father. Where is he? You say you are the primary person in your son's life, so I take it that the father is somehow out of the picture, but why? And for how long has this been true? If his father is alive, does your son have any relationship with him at all? How does he feel about his father? If his father is no longer alive, my condolences; and I'd still want to know how the boy feels about the father he lost.

With a stepfather who does not relate to him, I'd be concerned about how your son is finding his way to becoming a man. Are there perhaps older male relatives he looks up to and who could befriend him? If the biological father is alive but problematic, is there any way you can foster an appreciation in your son of the good parts of his dad? It would be helpful to him to have some positive male role model and someone who is male who approves of and relates warmly to him--maybe a teacher at his school or a clergy person if you are religious or a coach. And maybe he already has that. If so, good. But if not, you might want to think about a candidate who could possibly fill this role.

Perhaps your current husband does have a point--that the boy needs to identify with being male, but this stepfather doesn't sound like he's able or willing to step into the breach, which leaves you holding the bag.

From your description of him I think that your son is doing a great job of growing up under difficult circumstances. Perhaps he cannot easily find peers who are as acquainted with the difficulties in living that your son is. Perhaps the circumstances of his life have pushed him to mature a bit sooner, perhaps even a bit sooner than would be ideal, but we know that stress in growing up can produce creative achievement in the adult years.

Simply watching a tv program with your son will not make him unable to identify with his own masculinity. But I hear you asking whether in some other ways you may be contributing to his (possibly) not feeling confident about himself as a boy in the process of becoming a man. With regard to that concern, I'd ask myself as a parent whether I am giving more freedom to my adolescent son to make choices about behavior as he grows older. I'd ask whether I was reflecting back to him respect for choices and opinions and at the same time holding him to the consequences of the decisions he makes. I'd ask myself how open I was to listening to him, even when I sense that he wants to talk about things that might make me uncomfortable.

In short, I cannot really know what is going on with your son, but if I were you, I'd think about the questions and concerns I've raised in this letter and just be sure that you are open to hearing him, even when it's hard, and letting him know that you think he is a good person, will make a fine man, and will find friends eventually when he's able to select from a larger pool.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

top of page