Dear Jean:
I am an 18 year old female and will be going to college in a month. My parents (especially my dad) have been driving me crazy. I have been seeing a guy for a year behind their backs because he has a bad reputation and I know they think bad about him and they have forbidden me to see him in the past, but I finally told my mom 2 months ago that we were seeing eachother. Well, my parents, instead of being understanding and happy I was telling them about my life, decided to become psycho ever since I told them. My mom has gone through my stuff in the past, read my notes, etc. My brother tells my parents everything that he hears, true or untrue about the guy. My boyfriend, on top of it all, is my best friend's brother, and my parents now freak out if I go to their house. I make good grades, got into a great school, and have done everything my parents ask me to. I am just so sick of being treated as a little kid. I will be 19 in 3 months. All last school year I was expected to be in bed at 9:30, and I did it. I was expected to take all advanced honors classes, and I did it. I was expected to make good grades, I did it. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I just don't know what else they want from me. I want to be able to do something with my boyfriend without lying to them. Do you have any advice?

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Perhaps your immediate problem is solved by now, in that you are away at college or leaving in a few days. At any rate, I think you have to run your own life, with respect to this boyfriend. I think you need to be honest with your parents if and when they ask about the relationship, and continue to show them that, while you love and respect them, you are no longer a child and are in fact free to live your own life. It may help to acknowledge to them that you can understand their genuine concern about you with regard to dating a young man with a bad reputation--they're not nuts to worry about this. On the other hand, you know this young man in a way they do not, and in any case, the decision to see him and its consequences ultimately rests with you.

I don't know that you're going to bring them around to your perspective, but if you can hang in with them and let them see that you are not degenerating, are carrying on with your goals and plans, they may eventually learn to trust your own good sense.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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