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Dear Jean: I recently turned 18. However,
the way I have Jean responds: Hi, Adolescents and parents often have trouble negotiating the passage to adulthood, and it sounds as if this may be what is occurring with you and your parents. I do believe that, at 18, you should be responsible for making the major decisions in your life: whether to go to college, what grades you get, what subjects you study, what friends to associate with, what kinds of activities you engage in on your free time, where to live..... With respect to the latter, I wonder if you are still living with parents? If you are, then you may be reasonably held to whatever conditions your parents have for your living with them, such as some kind of standard for grades you achieve in college IF they are paying for it (if it's on your tab, your grade achievement should be your own), some kind of rules about when you come in at night (or call to say you'll be out longer) or what kind of notice you give if you're going to be gone overnight or longer--these kinds of rules are in order no longer because they're trying to "show you how to run your life," but out of consideration for their anxiety about your absence from home. In other words, in my view, they no longer are saying when you have to be in, but are arranging for decent notice from you of when you will be in, so they can run their own lives and not worry too much about you. Perhaps, if you are living with parents and you feel demeaned by their conditions for living there, you could negotiate moving out to a place of your own, either at your college or elsewhere, with your parents' partial financial support. Of course, this is completely up to them--whether to give you any support if you're living on your own--and you can't make them do it. If they are not respectful of your current requests for increased freedom, I don't know if they'd be respectful of your attempts to negotiate in such a matter, either, but you could try. I hear you trying to find a way to maintain your own self respect while at the same time maintaining your close relationship with your parents. Perhaps just reading this email response would help open a more constructive discussion between you. I hope so. If you cannot seem to find any way to open up such a discussion, you may want to ask for the help of a mental health counselor, perhaps one at your school. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
been treated has not changed. I know there should not be
a sudden, "You're on your own," release-type situation,
but they still treat me like I am 16. I want to have the independence
I believe I deserve, but my request for it gets looked down upon.
I often get rude remarks and am ridiculed by my parents when
I tell them I am 18 and they need to respect my actions. They
want to make my decisions for me and still try to control my
actions. However, I still want my relationship to be close with
my parents. It seems that if I get what I ask for then I am cut
off from them for good, almost like they are not there for me
at all. Although I am active in sports, Scouts, make good grades,
have a job, attending college, and believe I am a good person,
I don't feel I recieve the independence I deserve. I know I'm
human and I do make mistakes just like any other teenager, but
don't I deserve some sort of freedom for being 18, and not 15
or 16?