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Dear Jean: However, I also have a boyfriend, and this is where my trouble begins. After spending as much time with him as I wanted during the school year, my mother is displeased with my management of my time now that I have returned home. When I stay out until 2 or 3 a.m., she stays awake until I return home and often confronts me about it the next day. During the school year, I would sometimes attend out-of-state concerts with friends, and my mother is also now trying to restrict this. She complains that I stay up too late (at an "indecent hour") and tries to control my sleeping habits by setting early curfews (which I do not follow). Last night, I returned home a bit later than usual (4 a.m.) and today she told me that she is taking the keys to my car for two days. I feel that she has every right to be concerned for me but that she has no right to restrict my behavior. I have told her that she can call me on my cell phone if she worries about me, but she refuses to do so. Instead, she sets ridiculous curfews, argues with me constantly, and tries to punish me in such ways as taking the keys to my car. Please help! Jean responds: Hi, Sounds as if your mother is having a hard time letting go. Parents who provide financially for their children after high school graduation can also believe they still have the duty, responsibility, and right to try to run their lives, as they did when their older adolescents were children. You are making it clear to her that this isn't so. Both parents and first-year college students can have a difficult time adjusting to their new status--the students, to their new status as young adults who are running their own lives, the parents, to their new status of parents of those young adults. The fact that you are now a young adult who has a sexual and romantic life that is beyond your mother's control can feel especially troubling for your mom. She may feel some kind of failure in having to confront the fact that you are having a sexual relatilonship, rather than what could also be a reaction--a kind of pride that she has reared you to be someone who can care about and relate to a young man sexually. Your and your mother's struggle to negotiate the dynamics of the new relationship are not unusual, but painful, for sure. Perhaps showing your mom a copy of this email could help, I'm not sure. I guess if she owns the car, she can take the keys, but it sounds like, other than making your life kind of miserable, she doesn't really have any other power over you, except to kick you out of the house or not pay for your education, if she's doing that. If you can't get her to be more reasonable, you may have to decide whether living there/accepting her financial support is worth the hassle. Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
living away from home at my college for the past year and
have recently moved back home for the summer. During the past
year, I have made my own decisions about how best to spend my
time, and I think that I have done quite well. I am in the Honors
Program at my school and have maintained a heavy classload, good
GPA, and heavy involvement in academic organizations.