Dear Jean:

I'm 19 years old and I feel that I have really strict and somewhat overprotective parents. I still live at home because here in my hometown evryone stays here for college, since it's one of the most prestigious ones in the country.

So as you can infer I go to college, get really high grades, I'm a responsible ballet teacher, I don't do drugs nor have I done anything to greatly upset my parents, like get a tattoo or something, in my whole life.

My parents have always been really strict, and I have always longed for more freedom, but now that I'm 19 and I have almost the same curfew as my little brother (I have to get home at 12:30 on a Friday, 1:30 on a Saturday, and fight my way into going out on Sunday with my boyfriend to the movies and get home at 10:30), I'm starting to explode. I'm so tired of fighting with my dad every single weekend, and I'm sure he is as tired as me. But I don't know what else to try; I've tried reasoning with him calmly but he just states that he is right and doesn't care what everyone else does and that I'm trying to violate his precious rules, so we fight every weekend, and I end up getting home at 12:30.

I know that as parents they need to set rules and limitations, but I strongly don't think my dad's limitations fit my age. I feel so frustrated, and I feel like the only alternative that I have is to start lying and sneaking out of my house, but I know this will only bring problems and mistrust.
Please help me. What should I do?

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I agree that it is inappropriate for parents to be setting hours and other rules for a 19 year old, as if she were 14 or 15. Both you and your parents ought to be beyond, by now, their needing to set this kind of limit for you. You are an adult (unless you live in New York, where I guess the age of seniority has risen to 21).

Your parents may have requirements of you as an adult living in their house, however, and the only recourse there that I can see is moving out, if the conditions are not to your liking and seem non-negotiable. You needn't feel bound by their rules as though they still controlled your life; you now control your life, though I get it that your continued dependency leaves you boxed in. The only recourse I can see is to stop the fighting, accept their conditions, whatever they may be, for your living there and receiving financial support, and try to become independent as soon as you can and get out on your own.

You may want to search the web site for similar Q&A's: try searching on 18, 19, living at home. Some of these, printed out, might be useful info for your parents, though it sure does sound like your dad is not to be influenced. I'm sorry that he's sure he's so right. In my view, you are certainly not wrong to want more freedom and insist on it if you can--but if you can't, work at becoming independent.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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