Dear Jean:
My boyfriend has a 19 year old son. He'll be twenty in March. He told his son that he had to go to college or he would not be living at home. His son did not want to go to college at first. The boy's mother died when he was eight. So since then he has been spoiled, and allowed to get away with anything. He has a friend that he always goes over to and they get high, drunk, etc. together. We know because he told us. Well, he is in his sophomore year, and apparently this semester he didn't go to class, or anything... He failed every single class he took... even Zen. He didn't have a job so that didn't interfere with school. And he wasn't even going to school full time. Next semester they are going to kick him out of school if he doesnt pass his classes. He's not going full time at school next semster either... My boyfriend would like some "objective" advice about what to do???

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Perhaps your boyfriend already knows the answer to his question about what to do for his son -- it's just that the answer is hard. He has to stand by what he said: the young man has to shape up or ship out. It's up to your boyfriend to decide whether to give him another semester's chance or not, or serve notice to him right now that he has 30 days to get his things together and move out. He could also consider giving the son the alternative of getting -- and keeping -- a steady, fulltime job, and paying for his keep, if he wanted to give him that chance, as an alternative to going to school while living at home.

But sooner or later, Dad's words have to be backed up by action, if the son keeps failing. Better he should fall on his face now, while he's young, than continue this destructive pattern into his 30's and still be on your boyfriend's hands.

If he seems depressed, he can be advised to seek treatment, and Dad might even offer to help pay for it or for a drug-and-alcohol-abuse assessment. But bottom line, whether he needs treatment of one kind or another or not, he has to see that he cannot receive his father's support AND continue to screw up his own life. To do anything less than insist on this bargain is to finance the son's destruction. (It seems to me depression is a possibility -- research suggests that children who lose parents in childhood often grow up vulnerable to major depression.)

At 19, unless diagnosed as mentally ill or cognitively handicapped -- and often even then -- I think young people need to be productively employed, either in education/training or in paying work. If they do not seriously seek to fulfill this requirement, parental financial support ought to be withdrawn, in my view.

You can remind your boyfriend also that he is free to write me his own letter, if he believes there are extenuating circumstances.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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