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Dear Jean: I am (soon to be) 24 years
old and am still living at I have always thought myself to be hard-working, academically and in the workplace. I immediately entered college the following week after high school graduation and found myself burnt out three years later... grades were slipping, but I hung in 'til I knew I needed a break. (I have my senior year to complete.) Making my decision and notifying my parents of my decision was around the same time that I had begun dating. My mother has had prior 'trust' issues with me; then I think was for minor reasons, but she has held that to this day. I have been in a healthy and serious relationship for a little over two years with my boyfriend. (And it's pretty evident to my family and his that we will be wedding in the future.) I have made attempts to go back to school, but am still struggling. About six months ago, I became ill and was diagnosed with chlamydia. I've been treated and am well. My mother was able to gain that information without my consent and has had difficulty dealing with the knowledge that I have engaged in sexual activities. From the day she made me aware that she knew, she has set a curfew and restricted me to going only to certain places. Mind you, my boyfriend and I only see each other on the weekends...when time permits. Currently, there is a lot of tension between my mother and me. We try to talk openly and have discussions, but we almost always find ourselves in a heated argument. Though I do not want to leave the house on bad terms, is it best that I finally move out (even though she thinks moving out of the house will be the day I'm wedded)? Is she being ridiculously protective and controlling? Or am I being childish, stubborn, and rebellious? How might I be able to communicate with her effectively? Jean responds: Hi, When young adults choose to live at home for protracted periods of time after high-school graduation, other than for going to college with visits at holidays, it always makes for difficult times with parents, at least in this culture. Just as it's hard for teens suddenly to "become adults" at age 18, it's hard for parents suddenly to "let go." It sounds as if your mother is being particularly emotionally controlling, although clearly she has no real control over your behavior. Setting limits meant to guide or control your behavior is ridiculous at this point, as you know, but maybe it makes her feel more like she DOES have a control she knows she doesn't! If you can tolerate this, then I guess that's fine--go ahead and accept her make-believe limits and wait to leave home until you're married. If you can't tolerate it, I can see why--but then you have to decide what to do. Fighting with your mother isn't the ticket. Moving out would be better than staying in the fighting mode, it seems to me. You and your intended would have to be able to "rise above" your mother's culturally-conditioned responses to your having sex, staying out late, going where you like--in short, your independence--if you want to keep living at home. I doubt anything is going to change her. You are the only hope for change. Hope this helps you think about your options. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
home with my parents (and 17-year-old brother). Both my
parents are 'traditionalists', but claim to be aware of changes
due to modern times and living in another country. I am well
aware that my parents are loving... and a bit over-protective--but
what parent isn't? I'm not too sure if their guidance is being
mistaken for 'control'.