Subject: My teen [16.5 year old male]

He makes excellent grades... he is in the 'gifted' program. He has a part-time job. He goes to church... He doesn't have anything pierced or tattooed......

He's a good kid......

He WANTS his independence.... He WANTS me to view him as an adult he said yesterday. I said legally you're not an adult until age 18 to which he said that's not true. He wants to come and go as he pleases.

He WANTS to NOT have to be home until 3:00 in the morning on weekends. I said there is no reason to be on the roads at 3:00 in the morning [area doesn't have a curfew] unless he's returning home from work, but work ends at 1:00 a.m.

What is your thought about a 3:00 curfew or do you think he's just testing me to see if I'll say ok. with a smile?

Jean responds:

Well, I think you're in a difficult spot... I am wondering why your son has to work until 1:00 AM in the morning on weekends? Whatever the reason, it makes it difficult for him to have a social life with his friends on weekends, I would think--is that why he wants to be out until 3:00? Perhaps his friends are still available between 1:00 and 3:00?

Kids' friends are terribly important to them at this age, as I'm sure you know. He does need time during which he can do things with them socially. I admit that it makes one nervous to think of what they would be doing between 1 and 3 in the morning, but your son really does seem to be in a kind of unique situation. Again: does he HAVE to have a job that ends at 1:00 AM? Maybe if he had a job that ended earlier, or was during the day, he could see his friends until midnight or 1 AM on Friday and Saturday, a more reasonable curfew, in a parent's eyes.

Regarding his wanting his independence: this is healthy, a normal striving of adolescents. Of course he's not yet capable of being completely independent, but it's healthy and helpful to give kids as much independence as they can conceivably handle at this age, in preparation for their adulthood, which is not far off. He is not wrong to want his independence. You are not wrong to insist that there are still some limits set on his behavior. But don't try to convince him you're right--I think this is where some of the arguing comes in, as I read your letter. Just tell him what the limits are and what the consequences are for exceeding them, then implement the consequences when he does exceed them (expect him to test the limits).

Also, let him know that you DO view him as an adult in some areas: for instance, he is apparently being quite responsible in most areas of his life... and even works hard, like an adult, on weekends, to earn needed money, while maintaining his grades. No doubt there are few limits you actually do need to set for him--being out until 3 AM perhaps one of the only ones.

Emphasize that you recognize that he is BECOMING an adult and is already behaving responsibly in most areas of his life, and that you are just trying to be a good parent by setting limits where "you think" they are needed, and you're sorry if you're wrong... you're just trying to do the best you can because you love him and he's the only one of him that you have. It's very important to affirm that you see him growing up (not to resist this inside of yourself) and becoming more adult every day and that you are very proud of him for that.

Hope this helps.... and I hope you thank whatever gods may be, every day, for such a wonderful son!

Jean

Disclaimer : Ms. Walbridge’s response to your parenting question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.

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