Dear Jean:

My bright, formerly A & B sixth grader, has been doing progressively worse since entering sixth grade. The latest midterm report revealed mostly D's. She was put on restriction until we see some better grades. My problem is that she seems to be putting forth more effort at home, but after talking to one of her teachers, I found out that she's only gotten worse at school and is often disrespectful. The teacher said she's not working up to her full potential and is only concerned with her social life. How can I deal with her behavior outside of the home and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable?

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

You've already let her know that you don't approve of her grades. It's often best to leave it up to the school to deal with students about being disrespectful or other problematic behaviors at school.

In the grades department, I've laid out a whole intervention strategy in the Q&A's already stored at the web site, which I'd ask you to consult. You call them up by searching on grades,academics . Basically, I recommend not worrying about whether a student is working up to potential, but just about whether they're passing their classes. If they are not passing at a C level, you give them an opportunity to bring up their grades on their own, and if they don't, you set up a study hour at home. There is a lot more detail in the Q&A's at the web site. Sometimes in the course of observing attempts to study at home, you may discover problems you weren't aware of--difficulty attending, for instance, immobilizing fears, or even motor problems.

I do not recommend taking away things or imposing other kinds of consequences like grounding for not getting good grades--this can set up a motivation in the student to fail so as to spite you, despite the privileges taken away. Their demonstrating to you that you do not control their life is often more important to them than what you take away. It may also be helpful to read some of the material at the site about independence , which you can search on.

Taking a cue from the teacher's comment that she is only worried about her social life, you may want to follow up to see if there is something at the school that is bothering her. Try to talk to her about this, or facilitate her talking to a counselor at the school. If she's in middle school, she may be having a tough time socially--middle school is a form of hell for many kids. The social scene can be incredibly stressful--in fact, there's a book out about the middle school years called Roller Coaster Years; you might want to take a look at it.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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