6th-grade woes

Dear Karen:

I have a 6th grader who is struggling with many issues this year.

She has been left behind by her 2 "best" friends. She became so preoccupied with her social situation, that she just did not do some work which caused her to fail her Science Project and drop all of her grades one grade.

She loves to eat, she always has and is overweight, not fat but decidedly overweight. She can be so sweet, but she chews up her younger sisters and spits them out on her bad days, and argues and justifies every time we ask her to do what is expected of her.

I am not always patient, I'll admit and probably try too hard to get her to move forward and not cling to the past. I have tried to encourage better eating habits, including all the girls and exercise, she has not found her sport yet.

We have grounded her twice this year for the drop in her grades, first taking away AOL and then no spending the night, but we did let her ride bikes during the day with her new friends. We grounded her again for not doing the 2nd written part or journal for her Science project. I do want her responsible for her decisions.

Last night we went to a picnic for my husband, which was obligatory for all, and then home to do homework. After working with one child for spelling and another for a girl scout weekend, I went to help her study for a Science test. She complained that I'd really messed her up by waiting to help her when the others' work, etc., was not as important. After trying to tell her it was just as important to them as her work was to her she argued- I got all caught up in it and told her to stop being self-centered and remember that others have needs too. She is extremely sensitive and it turned into a total disintegration of reason. After an hour we talked and she went to bed and then the next morning I helped her study.

This morning I found a note that read: " I'm sorry you find me so self-centered. I'm sorry that I've hated myself all year because I'm fat, ugly and am the only one in my class who has not been asked out yet! I'm sorry Mrs. T hates me ( a math teacher that my daughter has not shown the most respect for). I'm sorry you hate me because I have not gone through one day 4 2 months without you criticizing me. This is one of the ways I've found to let out my anger. I wish you were more supportive instead of putting me down every second you get." I'm guilty of some as she is.

Do I stop nagging her to clean up her room, to get better organized so she does not forget her homework, to stop taking out her anger on her sisters? These are not new habits, but with age, as I've said to her we expect more.

I've never had a weight discussion with her, do I? I really just want her to set some goals that she will feel good about achieving.

Help! She is just on the brink and I see her with very little self esteem.

Karen responds:

It sounds like your daughter is in a lot of pain. I know that kids at this age can be very frustrating. The fact that she is in such pain does not necessarily make it any easier for you to bear her self-centered, irresponsible, antagonistic relationship to you and her sisters and her life.

I appreciate your self-reflection on the power struggle you got caught up in. I know that you already know that it does no good and usually more harm.

I know though that sometimes it just feels impossible not to get into trying to reason with your kids and trying to get them to look more honestly at themselves and their self-centeredness. Even though I understand how you got caught up in it it never does any good.

It is normal for kids to be very self-centered at this age, and it is normal for them to be extremely sensitive, and it is normal for them to be irresponsible.

Having said all that, you seem to be suggesting that your daughter has had problems that predate her adolescence. It is hard for me to sort out how much of her behavior is "adolescent angst" and how much is more serious.

She does sound like she is suffering from some fairly serious self-esteem problems. Her antagonistic behaviors towards her sisters is probably born out of jealousy and a feeling that they are more successful and attractive
and lovable than she is. Don't try to reason with her about these things.

It is good that she wrote you a note after the argument. It is a good sign.

Here are my suggestions....

1. Read the Archives under topics related to
academics, consequences, power struggles, autonomy, self-esteem. There is a certain way to give consequences and the Archives questions will spell it out.

2. It is okay to ask her if her weight is bothering her and if she wants some help with it, and if so what kind has she thought of. It is important to try to say to her that she is okay with you either way and that you are only asking because it seems to you that she is upset about it.

3. Given the self-esteem problems it is very important that you find a way not to be so critical... A good way to help yourself be less critical and nag less is to set up certain expectations and consequences that go with them if they are not met. Set them up for all the girls. Let the kids know ahead of time what the expectation is and what the consequence is if they
don't meet the expectation.

Don't make consequences huge ...and make them time limited and as much as possible related to the failed expectation. For example: imposing a required study hour if kids don't get adequate grades. Let them know first that they either get it handled themselves or that the next quarter you will impose the consequence.

And about all the behavior... try to let the designated consequence be the response, not your anger or disappointment. Be matter of fact about it and stay loving. As to her room, I think a good way to start this whole thing of expectations and specific consequences is to say that for starters you realize that it is her room and that you should not be so involved with how she keeps it. Let her know she gets to be in charge of that... shut the door if it gets to be too awful. (Again, see the Archives topic on "rooms". )

But please go to the Archive pages and read my responses on consequences and autonomy and self-esteem and academics. I think it will help.

You also may consider ordering the video, "Surviving Adolescence. " The technical aspects of the video taping are not very professional, not very good quality, but I am told that the content is very useful to parents.

Hope this helps, and thanks for your question.
Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's responses to questions are intended to be educational and informative. They are not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.