Dear Jean:
I am a father of a son and a daughter who are in their teens. They have lots of problems. I need your advice regarding my son having average studies and getting very angry when I advise him. Moreover I am away in Maldives; they are in India. Kindly advise me regarding this. Wish you a very happy new year!!
with rgds,

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I feel uncertain regarding cultural differences in the way adolescents react to parental attempts to advise them in India, compared to the expected ways kids this age react in the U.S. If there is a similarity, I suspect it lies in this: that adolescents wish to be INDEPENDENT and to be treated as much like adults as possible (even though they are not yet adult). If you try, with the best intentions in the world, to advise them, they are apt to feel as if you are trying to control their lives! They tend to be overly sensitive in this area because, underneath, they secretly wish that you still COULD control their lives and they could be relieved of the burden of growing up and doing it for themselves. But they would never admit such a fear or desire because it is unconscious to them.

It's hard to impossible for them to allow you to give them your assistance and advice selectively, i.e., where they may really need it, because, again, it comes too close to a threat to "take over." Probably our best choice is to affirm them for their efforts, praise them for achieving even average grades, and let them know that IF they should ever want to talk over their plans and goals, we are available.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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