A parent asks:

I work at a Middle School and am the parent of three; 13, 12, and 9. At the middle school this past week we had comparably minor incidences stemming from the tragedy in Colorado.

In one instance a child was accused of making threats. After investigating, the principal contacted the police who reviewed, as well as continued to search for information. The police found the accusations to be false and the lack of any evidence to suggest a threat. The student was suspended for 5 days nonetheless.

In another, 2 boys hung a piece of paper on the wall with the words, "Trenchcoat Mafia." One boy claimed, and was backed by his parents, that he was grounded from the T.V. and thought they were words to song or something. He was given one day of suspension for lying. The other boy admitted to everything and was given a one day suspension for not taking the sign down.

I feel the school has over reacted and is encouraging alienation of these students. Please direct if there is an expected type of response by early adolescents or a positive way to discipline what may be considered "inappropriate" response.

Karen responds:

Thank you for your question. It is so timely, and we have heard other parents ask similar questions so often these days.

As I understand it your question is whether the school has overreacted in its responses to the three instances of children's reactions that you describe, and also whether the ways these young teens and pre-teens are reacting to the Colorado tragedy fall within "normal range" responses for kids these ages.

As to your first question ...whether I think the school has overreacted....I think that my best answer is to say that the school has "wrongly reacted."

I think, given the complicated emotional responses and conflicts that such an incident as the Littleton tragedy provokes within all of us...especially our youth...and given the tremendous potential within the adolescent population for an outbreak of what many refer to as a "copycat phenomenon," it is extremely important that we respond very seriously to the kinds of incidents you are describing.

But, it is also, I think, equally important that the major thrust of our response be directed towards engaging the kids involved in meaningful dialogue to help them and us understand the "meaning" of their behaviors. While I think it is quite right for the school to prohibit such acts, when they occur so soon on the heels of a tragedy like Littleton it seems clear to me that it is evidence that the kids involved...and probably also kids who are more silently or passively responding to the incident...NEED A CHANCE TO TALK....not to be talked to.....but TO TALK.

Suspensions, expulsions, or any other kind of discipline misses the point. I would conclude that the kids you are describing in your question are for whatever reason having a harder time than others working through the emotional effects of this tragedy on their own lives.
As soon as I say that though I want to say "No", maybe it is just that these kids are expressing the upsetting effects of this tragedy in this way....I am just as worried about the ones who are not acting-out in the ways these three are as I am about the three in question.

Perhaps the kids who were involved in the incidents you describe haven't been given as much of an opportunity to process the incident as others...for whatever reason. Or perhaps these particular kids are more afraid of their own aggression or the aggression of others than their peers...or perhaps they are just wired differently...but no matter what the explanation they need a chance to talk they need a chance to think out loud about their own ideas of how to understand what happened in Littleton...

• including what they think the kids who did the killing were about
• and what they think the kids who were in the school and being in danger were feeling...
• and including what they think they and other kids need in order to not have these kinds of things keep happening.

Parents and teachers and adults in general make a mistake with kids this age. The mistake is that they try to tell kids what they think they need to know instead of encouraging their kids to talk about what is on their minds....without correcting them or telling them they are wrong.

As to the second question....is the behavior you described "normal" as a response in kids this age:

I think the answer is that a wide range of behaviors including behaviors such as those you describe --
and including not talking about it at all,
and including being scared,
and including being sad,
and including being mad....
can be "normal"
and can indicate a problem.
That is why it is so hard to know what to do or how to respond. The behavior could indicate a much more serious problem but it could also indicate a normal kind of response.

In either case, what is most important is that the kids get to talk about how they are feeling -- giving them a consequence at this point in time misses the point.

As for the ones who "aren't talking" or expressing their confusion or excitement or other feelings behaviorally, again: as indicated above, "not talking" is certainly within normal range, but "not talking" may also indicate a problem in a particular child.

I think what's important is that all kids of this age get a real opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings, in their own words, to adults who listen to them. I think it's fine to ask something like, "Do you want to talk about the Columbine High School thing?," or words to that effect. But should you "push" the ones who don't talk? I don't think so.

Just make sure they have the chance and continue to know that the opportunity is available to talk to someone who will listen to them. Kids respond in a variety of ways to events in the real world, depending on many factors. What we want to do as adults is be sure we provide them with a safe outlet.

Thanks for your timely question.

Karen.

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's answer to your questions is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.