The parent whose question is posted on your 'Question of the Week' is my friend. [The writer is referring to the letter in which a mother relates how some children were involved in reactive activities after the Littleton shootings.-ed.] She is allowing me to e-mail my own question ( I don't own a computer.)

I am the mother of one of the boys involved in this mess. I had a meeting with the principal and the superintendent, and got nowhere! We all (parents involved) are at a loss of what can be done.

Because our kids were suspended they can't go on a trip to Chicago, which was paid for by parents. The school has set up an exclusion policy to include all students suspended for ANY reason. So not only were our kids wrongly disciplined by being suspended, but it extends into a larger, MORE unjustified punishment.

This completely overshadows anything our kids might have learned from this experience. There is also a no refund policy. We thought we would get back the money already paid and take our kids somewhere to make up for this.

One of the boys wants to start a petition. My concern is the legality of students petitioning and whether they can get into more trouble. We all agree it would be a good chance ...for the kids to feel empowered to help themselves. Do you have any information? Can they be punished for this type of peaceful protest?

Thank you for all your help.

P.S. I took a copy of your response to the other question to my meeting with the administrators, they wouldn't even look at it.

Karen responds:

What a complicated question to respond to!

First of all I have no idea about the legality of students petitioning.

I appreciate your sense that it would be a good chance for the kids to feel empowered to help themselves. There is certainly nothing wrong with a peaceful protest.

As I said before, and I still stand by it, what would have been more valuable is if the administrators of the school had been able to convene a meeting for the kids to talk about the Littleton event and in order for them to process the very complicated feelings they must have about it.

I do think that the consequences are not the most important thing and that perhaps in the wake of Littleton not even an appropriate thing. Although as I said last time I do think schools need to take behaviors like those of the boys involved very seriously....they should not be laughed off.

I feel compelled to put forth a slightly different spin on this thing though.

I believe that incidents like Littleton occur because lines get drawn and parties to conflicts get increasingly belligerent and rigid in their positions. Understanding as a principle and goal to aspire to gets lost when the battle lines get drawn. That certainly seems to characterize rather aptly what has happened in this situation. The school administrators certainly do not appear open to understanding these incidents from your perspective and as time goes on, you probably become less and less open to understanding their positions.

While a peaceful protest and petition may be a legal right of the kids involved (and again, I am not knowledgeable about the legalities in your area), it seems to me that it just draws the battle lines even more taut. It seems to me that something like that happened in Littleton ...although I don't have a lot of information. But I do know that there had been a conflict of longstanding between two groups of kids who saw the world very differently.

If we could all extend ourselves more to understand the other person's point of view some of these conflicts would get resolved instead of intensified.

I am disappointed that the school seems unable to reach out to understand your views on this whole thing ....or mine for that matter, since they wouldn't even read the page you printed out from my website (and by the way, last week's response will still be available in the Archives ) ....but I wish that despite your justifiable disappointment in them that you could reach out to try to appreciate their concerns and hope in return that they might be able to appreciate yours.

I think kids actually probably need to have "understanding the opponent's point of view" modeled for them more than they need to feel empowered in their rights to protest.

I hope you don't experience this letter as a lack of support because I really do believe that the school was wrong to respond the way they did ...I really am "on your side" ...but I just worry that we can't, all of us, figure out how better to embrace our differences ...including different points of view ...including different responses to the behaviors of the boys involved.

We seem more and more only to know how to fight back. I would love to make myself available to come to the school and mediate, although I doubt that anyone would be interested. But if I can be of help in any way please let me know ...and again please accept my response in the spirit in which it is being given. In support, I remain,

Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's response to your parenting questions is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.