Dear Karen,
Do you think the following situation is positive or negative: my son's dad does not see my son any more and since we were not married when my son was conceived he is not accepted by the paternal side of the family. Dad sends son a crisp $100.00 bill every single birthday, enclosed in a humorous card, signed "Love, (dad's first name)." Son also receives the same for Christmas. (Dad pays support consistently.) What's the message here?

My son is turning 16 and hasn't seen dad since age 9. He swears it is not an issue for him. I went through a couple of years of concealing the card and money from son and just depositing it in his savings account. I have since let him know it's being received. I have always been so torn on this "mixed message"....can you help me find some peace?

Karen responds:

Well, I appreciate how upsetting this situation is. I can tell you are concerned about your son’s feelings and want him not to feel hurt and rejected by his father. How sad that your son’s father visited with him until he was nine years old. Do you and your son understand what happened that led his father to stop having contact? I think it must have been a real loss for your son.

But I also think something is better than nothing. Obviously it would have been better for your son, assuming his father is a half way decent person, to have had an ongoing relationship over the years. I think though that knowing that his father sends support, remembers him at holidays and on his birthdays is better for your son than having the experience of him as having no interest at all. It was right to let your son in on the fact that his father was sending him cards and money.

Who knows what it means when your son says that it is not an issue for him that his father stopped seeing him. I have a hard time believing it as I am sure you do. But, having said that, I want to strongly suggest that you take him at his word and don’t approach him about it in the future. He may well "have put the issue away" psychologically and it may have been necessary for him to do so, especially now that he is in adolescence. In a way he perhaps can’t afford to be too in touch with his feelings about this matter right now. I would just let him know that if he ever wants to talk with you or perhaps a therapist about this or that if he ever decides that he wants to contact his father that you will be supportive in whatever way you can.

Once having made this clear, and you may have already for all I know, I would drop the issue. At some point in your son’s future, perhaps when he is a young adult, he may feel inclined to deal with his feelings about this and he may feel inclined to pursue his father.

As to the paternal side of the family not accepting your son, I can only say that it is sad for him and, in my opinion a needless loss for them, to have excluded him from their lives. But, as you know better than I, there is nothing you can do about it.

Hope this helps and hope you get some peace. What is important is that your son should be and will be grateful some day, if not necessarily now, that you have been standing by his side and are there for him. Take peace in being a good and loving mother to him. Thanks for the question.

Karen Martin

Disclaimer : Ms. Martin's response to your parenting question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.