Dear Karen,

My question is this, how far do you discipline a pre-teen who has lied about her school work repeatedly and shows no concern to what could happen with failing grades? Do you take everything away from her, phone, jewelry, visitation of friends and vice-versa. How do you get her to take education seriously? We are scared for our child and nothing seems to be working. A foot note: The problem with our daughter can not be completely explained by this one question I ask of you, we see our daughter who is a great girl spiraling out of control. Help!

Karen responds:

Well, the first thing I want to say is that "How far do you discipline a pre-teen who has lied about her school work repeatedly and shows no concern to what could happen with failing grades?" is the wrong question!

Try to think of this question instead: "How do I respond to my pre-teen so that she will begin doing better academic work?"

It is not uncommon for pre-teens and adolescents to start doing poorly in school and to attempt to hide this reality from their parents with lies and denials. Two things contribute to this common shift during this developmental stage.

First, kids of this age are terribly preoccupied with self-esteem issues and social acceptance and success, measured, in their minds, by how acceptable they are to their peers. They are generally quite insecure and almost all of their mental "space" is consumed with these concerns.

Second, kids at this age are struggling desperately to feel independent of their parents ... it in fact is the developmental imperative of this stage of growth. (See the Parenting Adolescents Archives for questions related to autonomy, control, and power struggles.)

One of the ways that they reassure themselves that you and they both are comfortable with their push towards independence is by thwarting your expectations and discovering that both they and you survive.

If kids meet your expectations during this period they sometimes feel dependent and as though they are failing to be "their own persons." In fact practically the only way they can be sure they are being independent is to be in disagreement with your values and expectations.

Given these psychological truths, both their need to thwart you and their desperate preoccupation with social and peer group issues, it makes perfect sense that they stop performing up to par ... sometimes dangerously irresponsibly in relation to academics.

(Sorry for being so long-winded, but this is a complicated issue, and your question and your child's behavior get to the crux of it. Please bear with me.)

So how can you respond that will encourage your daughter to comply with your expectations instead of feeling compelled to thwart them?

Here is my best shot at an answer. When your child begins to fail academically or get unacceptably low grades, it is time to sit down and have a talk. ( By the way, "unacceptably low grades," in my opinion, are Fs for formerly C students and anything lower than a C for formerly A and B students.) Your conversation ought to go something like this:

"Daughter, I know that I can't make you do well academically. Even though I know this I also have to say that it is not okay for you to get Ds and Fs on your report card or to get progress notes from teachers which indicate you are not completing assignments or that you are failing quizzes and tests.

"You have until the next grading period, or progress report time to get your grades to no lower than Cs. If you don't achieve this there will be a consequence. The consequence will be X. I know that X will not make you get Cs but at least I will feel as though I am doing everything I can to encourage you to do at least C work in school.

"So the deal is that you have a choice. Either you see to it that you do C work or you accept my consequence for not meeting this minimal expectation."

I underscore the importance of giving your daughter a chance to take charge of the situation herself before you give a consequence, and I underscore the importance of her knowing in advance what that consequence will be. The consequence should be time limited. In other words as soon as she gets her grades up she no longer has the consequence.

You and she might go back and forth for awhile---one quarter consequence, another none, and the next consequence again. This is okay. You are teaching her the relationship between behavior and consequences.

X, the consequence, will vary depending on what is important to your child and therefore most apt to work as leverage. If your daughter loves to talk on the phone then the consequence might be taking phone privileges away if she fails to meet your expectations by the next grading or progress report period. If your daughter likes to watch TV or play with the computer then this might be a good consequence. If an imposed study hour each school night works, then try that.

As much as possible the consequence should relate to a period of time during the week that would encourage her to study. You are not trying to give a consequence so severe that it will solve the problem for all time. This misses the point. Your adolescent is testing limits and you are trying to teach her that she has choices that have various benefits and liabilities associated with them. Don't use "overkill." It doesn't work.

Good luck. Give it some time and let me know if it helps. - Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's responses to questions are intended to be educational and informative. They are not a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy or consultation with a mental health professional.