Dear Jean: My son who is 12 was very good at school, but over the last two years his school performance is going down. Started getting C and C- in certain subjects. He is not open to us (me and his mom), and lately every time we talk to him about his school performance, he says he does not care. Today he told me he only takes notes at school because we care rather than him. Are we nagging too much about his school performance, and how can we handle this?

I am sending him to a summer camp this year in a military school for six weeks (an acadimic camp where he will be in dorms and they give them head start on the next school year's subjects), hoping it will improve his study habits and help him learn a more structured way of life. We are concerned about separation anxiety during this period. But in the meantime, we are considering putting him in a military academy. Appreciate your thoughts and input.

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

It's hard to tell what may be going on with your son, or between you and your son, from the info in your letter. I can tell you that I do not recommend that parents nag their kids about schoolwork. As long as the kids are passing their subjects, and do not aspire to more, then that has to be okay, as far as I'm concerned.

Kids this age begin to need choices--they are beginning to strive to become 'their own persons" and wish to make as many of their own decisions as possible. If you don't let them, if you don't feed that legitimate need, they may find subtle ways of rebelling, such as doing poorly at school. Your son is quite right that his school effort needs to be HIS, not yours. It shows some good parenting on your part that he is able to say this.

If kids are not passing--getting D's or lower--then as a parent you say, "I know I can't make you study or even want to do well in school. (THIS ADMISSION OF NOT HAVING CONTROL OVER HIM IS VERY IMPORTANT because part of what kids tend to do is demonstrate to their parents that the parents don't have control over him, by failing a school.) You know that I WISH you cared more--and I don't have any doubt about your ability--but it's up to you. As long as you're passing your subjects, I won't feel like I have to remind you or try to motivate you or interfere in any way. If you do get below a C-, though, in anything, then you'll have til the next report period (or midterm, or whatever) to bring up the grade to at least a C-. If you don't, then I'll feel like in order to be a responsible parent I'll have to institute a study hour, even though I still know I can't make you study. But at least I won't feel like a bad parent for not trying to get your attention to this important area of your life, that has consequences for your future."

By searching on 'academic performance' or 'grades' at this site, you can find already stored Q&A's on this subject, which will give you tips on setting up a study hour, if necessary.

Going away to camp during the summer should be fun, not a punishment, according to me. If you're already worried about separation anxiety, I would think your best bet to help him is to send him somewhere he really wants to go.

Try to take a step back. Calm your own anxiety. School performance isn't everything. Eventually, your son will have to want to work and study at school in order to get anywhere. You can't make him want to. As I say, the best you can do is insist on C's, and even when and if he falls below that, you can only try to get his attention by intervening with an enforced study hour.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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