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Dear Jean: While getting the laundry out
of my son's room, How do I get the truth out of him about sex? He's lied about everything else up till now. He's a lot smaller in weight and height due to his ADHD meds., so I wonder if he's just trying to look like a bigshot! HELP!!!!!!! Jean responds: Hi, I do not advise parents to search through their adolescents' stuff: backpacks, rooms, wallets, clothing, etc. Your son needs and deserves his privacy, and like a typical adolescent, he probably leaves his stuff around all the time. But this is not an invitation to pry. I also advise that you allow him to take care of his own room and get his laundry to you, if he wants it done, by a certain time on a certain day, deposited at a certain place. Lying during adolescence is pretty typical. It's a question of frequency and severity. Please read some of the Q&A's at the web site on lying [find them by typing lying into the Search box at the site]. Also it may help to read the parenting article on lying. Kids this age need to begin to separate from you; they are working toward becoming independent. They experiment with stuff like smoking and drugs, and hopefully they don't become addicted, but you cannot control those behaviors. They do or don't do them when you're not around and will not tell you the truth about them because they know you disapprove. I think you need to completely defocus from "trying to get the truth out of" your son, and begin to focus on building a relationship with him. You could start by telling him that you went through his wallet when you were doing his laundry, and that you're sorry, and that you won't do that again. Tell him that you couldn't help noticing the unopened condom, and that you hope this is a sign that he's taking the whole topic of sex seriously, including his responsibility in relationship to sex. Ask him if he'd like to talk with someone about it, and be ready to offer someone: the family doctor, the school nurse, or else offer to buy him a book he can read in privacy, maybe something like, "What's Going On Down There? A Book about Sex for Boys." Praise him when you think he's doing something right, notice him when he's polite, tell him how nice he looks when he does, thank him when he does something sweet for you. Tell him how proud you are of him for hanging in with having to take meds for his ADHD. Tell him you love him. Yes, you can also tell him that you worry about him -- that smoking is addictive, that pot has side effects as well as being illegal. Tell him he can write to a drug expert in an anonymous email if he wants to know the effects of ANY drug, including coffee, nicotine, pot, or anything else. But while you tell him what you're worried about, tell him also that YOU REALIZE THAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIS BEHAVIOR, that he is growing up and will now have to learn how to control his behavior himself, but that you will be there for him to answer questions if he wants to talk to you. You can add that even though you know you cannot control him, you also don't approve of his using tobacco or alcohol or any drug, and if you do find signs of his having used it, that you will enforce a consequence, since you can't feel like a good parent without at least trying to get his attention when he's doing something that's really bad for him. Decide with him what the consequence will be in advance: something like taking away a privilege for a certain time period, something that will matter to him. (If you need help on setting limits and designing consequences, just type limits, consequences into the Search box at the web site and many pages will come up.) See also the "Recommended Reading," below. Hope this is a little helpful. Jean. Recommended reading: "Transforming the Difficult Child," by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley. The authors take the stance that rewarding desirable behavior is much more effective than paying attentionn to negative behavior; they deal especially with ADHD kids. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
I picked up his dirty clothes on the floor. After cleaning out
his pockets, I found his wallet. I checked through it for rolling
papers, etc. He is 14 and has already been caught smoking several
times, as well as pot. Well, this time I found an unopened condom
in there. I thought he had turned over a new leaf after being
in so much trouble at school lately, but now I wonder if he's
just getting worse.