Dear Jean:

Hi, I would just like to have some expert advice on a bit of a predicament. A friend of mine is dating a guy, who also happens to be a friend of mine. They are having terrible problems in their relationship at present with a lot of pressure from many sides, the guys parents are maybe too easy going, allowing him to do basically just what he wants. The girl's parents are maybe too restictive in the sense that they are telling her to find someone else. In a manner of speaking they do fit together. At times they are very happy - but then again mostly, not that happy. There is this other girl that says she has issues, which only he can understand. Fine! But! She keeps on getting in between. My friend, gets really hurt about this. He however cannot see the problem as he says that this other girl is one of his best friends. Fine! But! He tends to run to her in an instant - yet, he still maintains that he loves my friend and cares about her. She loves him dearly, but is in the predicament - her mother is telling her to loose the guy, he says he loves her, and doesn't want to be with anyone else - she is confused. She trusts me and asked me what she must do. I do not like giving advice, but I would like to hear what you would suggest for this particular situation. I thank you in advance for your reply.

Jean responds:

Hi,
I get it about not liking to give advice! It's probably a great rule. The only "advice" I would have for your friend is that SHE has to figure out what she must do to feel good about herself and maintain her self respect.

She will not be betraying the young man if she ends the relationship; she will be betraying herself if she stays in the relationship mainly from a motive to NOT want to follow her parents' wishes (prove they can't control her, a not-uncommon motive for adolescent behavior).

On the other hand, she WILL be betraying herself, in my view, if she ends the relationship only BECAUSE her parents want her to!

There are no "right" answers that I know of. One bit of philosophy you might want to share with her is that "love is a behavior," not just a feeling. If she cannot feel loved by this young man because of his behavior (seeing the other girl), then that is what is true. If he cannot behave in the way she needs him to behave, to make her feel loved, then, from her viewpoint, she is not loved, even though, from his view point, he says she is. If you see what I mean.

Of course, there will be other ways he behaves that DO make her feel loved. So she has to weigh how important to her this particular behavior, of seeing the other girl, is, in the balance of things. Life is hard, and so is love.

Bless you for caring,

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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