Dear Jean:

Oh, how do I begin? For the last 3 to 4 years we have been struggling with N. In the last 6 months the following has happened: We found an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in her bedroom drawer, which she lied about drinking. We then found 5 bottles of assorted alcohol in the garbage which had been missing from the household cabinet. We had confronted her about it prior to finding it and once again she lied and then once we found the alcohol she lied to us and told us that she brought it to school in a water bottle, but she didn't drink it. We of course found out later that she had drunk it. She has been stealing my wife's diet pills and lying about how many she has taken even after we have seen the empty packages. Our other daughter (16) found crack in N.'s cd Walkman and confronted her about it and N. said that she was going to give it to one of her friends at school. Our other daughter flushed it down the toilet. We confronted N. about the drugs and she told us basically the same story. Last, we found a letter to her friend regarding "shrooms" and description of how her friend told her to take them.

She acts as if she doesn't care about anything. One day she will be in a good mood and then the next day she will be very upset.

We have taken her to counseling which at this point is not working. I believe that she is just lying and telling the counselor what he wants to hear. N. has written in notes
that she wants to kill herself and how she plans on doing it. She told her sister that she just wants to die. N. has no self-esteem or self worth. We are at our wit's end
about her. What do we do? Something drastic needs to happen or something drastic will happen to her.

Jean responds:

It does sound as if your daughter is in dire straits. It is possible that your daughter is experiencing a serious disorder, either Major Depression or Bipolar Disorder, both often marked by abuse of alcohol and drugs as a way to "medicate away" the mental pain and anguish the youngster is feeling. If she is experiencing either of these, she desperately needs medication and psychotherapy. Hospitalization may or may not be necessary as well. I strongly urge you to talk with her counselor directly--he need not betray Samantha's confidentiality by listening to you. Tell him of the suicidal ideation. Inform him about the drugs and alcohol. If he feels unable to help, find another counselor--or use the Therapist Directory at the site to locate someone.

I would try to engage her in conversation before you talk to the counselor--forget about the confronting her bit, it's way past that now. If she'll sit still for it, you might try something like this:

"N., we love you and are worried sick about you. We know you are taking drugs and drinking. We know we can't control your behavior, but we're scared to death for you. From what we can tell, you are in terrible pain. Can you talk to us at all about what you're thinking and feeling?"

Then, LISTEN to anything she has to say. DO NOT accuse, complain, criticize, or try to give her advice. Thank her for talking to you. Tell her that you are going to talk with her counselor, and ask if she wants to be there or not when you do. If she says the counselor doesn't understand, find someone else. Tell her that you may also talk to your doctor or to a psychiatrist (MD with training in medication for psychiatric illnesses) after you consult with the counselor, and ask if she wants to be with you, if you do that. If she won't go to the current counselor, a new one, or to the doctor/psychiatrist with you, go alone. You need some help and advice about managing this serious situation.

Give it up about searching her room, the house, snooping on e-mail messages, etc.--all of this just makes her feel more haunted and hounded and spied upon and alienated and will just drive her underground or away from you faster. You have all the facts you need to address what sounds like a very grave situation. Get help for you and for her, soon.

Hope this is a little helpful--feel free to write back.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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