Dear Jean:

I am the mother of a 15 year old boy. On New Year's Eve my husband (step-father) and I had some friends over. I found out that my son had been sneaking beer throughout the evening when he became ill at 3:30 am. I talked
to him the next day about the incident and asked him what he had learned. He said "I won't drink so much the next time". This is typical of the type of responses I get from him. I do believe that this is the first time he has experimented with alcohol, I did suspect that it was coming because in the last few months he has been very curious about drinking and smoking.

His stepfather and I are social drinkers and drink maybe 4-5 times a year. I smoke about 2 packs a week. My dilemna is how to explain to him why he shouldn't do these things when he does see us doing them? Also what is an
appropriate punishment for this? I asked him what was appropriate and he says that he has learned his lesson, getting sick was enough to keep him from doing it again.

Thanks!

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting www.parentingadolescents.com and for your question.

Kids will do what you do! What a hard lesson to have to accept. My guess is that your son will himself become a social drinker as an adult. It is not appropriate for him to be starting now, of course, and I suggest that you tell him that THE NEXT TIME you catch him sneaking alcohol or smell it on him, or whatever, that there will be a consequence. You let them have the first time as a "freebie," so that from now on, they know it's unacceptable and that they have a choice: drink and get the consequence, or refrain from drinking. If he can't suggest a consequence, make one up (read some of the Q&A's in the Archives at the web site on consequences).

The smoking thing is harder… more and more kids are doing it. First off, I'd suggest you quit, obviously…. Seeing how hard it is for you to do so and hearing the reasons your doctor gives you for quitting may make quite an impression on him. Or not.

Tell him the truth about smoking, and let it go at that, unless you find out that he is in fact smoking. Then, tell him you can't control what he does behind your back, but that he's not to smoke in the house. You can even tell him there'll be a consequence if you catch him smoking, whether at home or not--and what the consequence will be. But don't expect him not to do it; he may not do it, or he may. Kids this age need to be at choice about as many of their behaviors as possible, and it's normal, unfortunately, for them to experiment with 'adult-type' stuff like drinking and smoking.

There's no use "forbidding" him to smoke or drink--because you can't monitor his compliance.

It's great that your boy experimented with the beer in your own house, with you on hand to help in case of need!

Hope this is a little helpful.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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