Dear Jean:

I prefer to prepare serenely my mail on Outlook before sending it as I am not as fluent in English as in French. I am a French mother from around Paris. 2 children: 19 (boy) and 18 within 2 months (girl). She is my subject of worry.

She has always been a very good girl as well at school as at home (meanwhile often provocative by pleasure), and I always had very good personal relations with her. I trusted her by a 100% till 2 months ago and yet I have the reflex to trust her in front of her way of speaking. (I am afraid I will be a bit long in my explanations). I don't feel her so much mature in many ways and I am afraid she will trust anyone if he is complimenting her on some way.

Two months ago about (just after graduating for her "baccalaureat"), she told us she thought to be homosexual. Just a bit hard to swallow in a while. But we try to face it without tragedy (I acknowledge his father to be more acceptant although he was not so well in relation with her). I fear first of all not about a partner or not having grand children (as for now I don't care) but the hard way of life it implies, the relationship with same people...

She has been used for about 1 or 2 years to chat on internet and sometimes to meet some people she has known there. I used to make a fuss when she met them on private places and obtained from her to meet them some times before on public places as I think every one can be found on these sites, prostitution nets....

Last month (the week end before going back to school), she (who can still get lost in her town!) booked a hotel room in Paris to meet some woman she met on the net and never saw before, and have the week end with her as she of course told us she was invited at another friend. When I heard of that I got stunned. (Her father 'fell' on her emails and told me. I never wanted to read them, but I admit this has more to do with ostrich policy - I gave him to read your text on private life.)

When I tried to write you last week I was overwhelmed about this comportment of going with someone unknown. I really am shocked.

Since then I tried to calm down and told me that I was not to interfere into her sexual life. Am I right? We made it to talk to her about her studies and about protection from every possible illnesses (you know what I mean and so does she), as well as dangerous comportments. I tried to convey my view of such moral risks as well but I am not sure she understood and I don't feel so sure to be entitled to interfere moreover.

What do you feel? Is the problem with me only? Am I the one who has so many things to learn as well as to put some distance between her and me? Because for every other subjects she still wants to be her mother's daughter.

Thanks for your opinion.

Jean responds:

Thanks for visiting at www.parentingadolescents.com and for sending in a question. I am using the AltaVista translation service to translate my response into French--as you may know, this will be a "machine" translation--not exact. [En français]

I can hear and understand your anxiety, confusion, and distress related to your daughter's announcement that she feels she may be homosexual and, even more distressing, I'm sure, her arranging over the Internet to meet a stranger. I'm sorry that your daughter has not been able to subscribe to basic rules for minors using the Internet, such as never to give your full name or anything about where you live to someone you don't know. I agree with you that arranging a private meeting with a stranger, whether through the Internet, a friend or acquaintance, or any other way, is dangerous for anyone, and especially for minors. I think I understand from your letter that, in the past, you insisted that she at least arrange to meet people she'd become acquainted with on the Internet in a public place--that is at least one safeguard.

I'm not clear, from your letter, whether your daughter has actually met this woman/spent time with her in Paris, as her e-mail correspondence implied she would or might. Sometimes kids say stuff to each other in email or phone messages that they never really intend to do. I'm sorry that the knowledge of her plan came to you through an invasion of her privacy--this always makes a double problem: you have to deal with her reaction to your knowing what you shouldn't know, and then you have to deal with the content itself. When she finds her privacy has been invaded, she may find it hard to trust you or listen to your expressions of concern or your advice.

I'm not clear, again, whether you have tried to address this specific event (the weekend with the woman in Paris, or the plan for the weekend with the woman) with your daughter--it sounds as if you have not, but are just now trying to deal with your own feelings about it.

I guess there are two major concerns, as I gather, from your letter (setting aside the invasion of privacy issue): (1) your concern about your daughter's thinking she may be homosexual and (2) your concern for her safety.

Regarding (1):
Every parent who hears that his/her child thinks s/he may be homosexual goes through a period of grief and shock, unless the parent has already surmised this and is just waiting for the child to speak. Most of us don't think enough about the various ways our kids' lives can turn out--and we certainly are not well informed enough about ways in which people with alternative sexual orientations can live happy, productive, moral lives. We have a 'picture' of how it will be for our kid, and it's hard when what they actually are or do doesn't 'fit' our 'picture.' Please don't rush into thinking that your daughter cannot be happy or good as a lesbian, or even that you won't have grandchildren! Plenty of women in relationships to other women produce and rear good, happy children.

However, these cautions aside, it is premature, I think, for your daughter (or you) to conclude that she knows what her sexual preferences are, at age 17. These days kids have more permission, I think, to explore their sexuality than we did. Part of this, for some kids, is exploring their feelings for the same sex. Good for you for not "going nuts" when your daughter told you her current feelings. Give her lots of space and time and freedom to explore what may be right for her, and just wait and see how the pieces finally fall into the puzzle.

(2) If you can accept that your daughter may need to explore her own sexual preferences, and that there is not as yet any finality to these, she will feel your acceptance and may then be more amenable to your expressing concerns about her safety and wellbeing.

If you have not yet told her that you are aware of the email that talked about spending a weekend with a woman she didn't know, I'd tell her.

You'll first have to say, "I apologize for invading your privacy; I realize now that that was a mistake, and it won't happen again. However, I now want to be honest and tell you that this is what I read," etc. Don't push her to tell you whether in fact she did spend the weekend with the woman from the Internet--don't even ask--just tell her your concerns about her safety and wellbeing, including how people should responsibly use the Internet.

You will need to reassure her, also, of your love for and respect for her. I'd tell her something like, "We would never reject you or withdraw our love and respect for doing what you think is right for you, even if we disagree. But we do think you need to be much more careful of your own physical safety." Perhaps you could refer her to a clinic for teens that offers sexual relationship counseling, including counseling for young people in same-sex relationships--just giving her a card with the name and phone number of such a clinic might be welcomed by her, if you don't push her or act as if she "knows nothing" about anything.

Good luck... hope this is a little helpful. Feel free to write back--it's possible I've not understood the situation, or that you would like to discuss it further.

Jean.
Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

[En français]

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