Dear Jean: I hope you are ready for a long story....
Well it all starts when I went on a vacation to Las Vegas a few weeks ago with my family (mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, my 2 cousins, friend.) Well it seems that my family is always pointing out every little thing that's wrong with my body. And I am very sensitive to what other people, especially my family, say about me or the way I look. I was in my bathing suit getting ready to go swimming when my younger cousin said, "Is that what you are going to wear?" and "It looks funny." I got really mad and started crying and told him to get the hell out of the room. He went to tell his mom and my parents. To make a very long story shorter, my dad got really angry at the fact that I was being so sensitive. He told me to stop crying and to go to the room and not come out because he didn't want to speak to me. And I must admit I was very hysterical because everyone's comments hurt me really badly. My dad said that I was making too big of a scene and that I was just doing it to get attention. I tried to tell him that it was a big deal to me, but he didn't care. After that the whole vacation was ruined because he was mad. After we got home he was still mad, and he still is. He's mad because I "ruined his life" and since I did that to him he wants to do it to me. He's not letting me go places and I'm basicaly grounded. He says that I chose the wrong time and place to blow up like that. I try to tell him that I didnt choose the time and place, I was just pushed too far and my emotions took over. He also doesn't understand that I'm very sensitive to everything. I don't think that he is being fair. I try to tell that the only reason he's mad is because he doesn't understand my feelings. And in the real world you can't punish people because you don't understand them. I also tell my dad to take his own advice (a while ago I was upset at my mom and dad because they told me I could get my tongue pierced, but then at the last minute they said no. I was furious. And I had an attitude with my mom and she told me that I had to get over it and move on. And my dad agreed.). But when I tell him that, he says that he's the parent so he's allowed to punish me if I make him mad. And thats my problem with my dad....

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Seems like you ran out of room to complete your saga of the unhappiest vacation ever. Sorry about that. From what you did include, I can tell that it was miserable for you and that your dad's ongoing displeasure with you continues to make you feel miserable. For what it's worth, I agree with you that it's time for your dad to get over it and move on. There is no upset a child or teen has that can possibly "ruin" a parent's life! Maybe your dad is dumping a lot of unhappiness into this incident that belongs elsewhere. Maybe if you ask him politely to read this email and discuss the matter with you, he will agree.

All children are sensitive about their bodies, and if you are a teen or pre-teen, then you are in a time in your life when you are very emotional and sensitive. Perhaps you owe an apology for the degree of your tantrum, if that's what it was. But also it would help if your parents understood that this is a delicate time in your life, when your body is changing in ways you have no control over, and your hormones are beginning to increase your emotional ups and downs.

I also think it is a mistake to issue consequences for teens' or pre-teens' behaviors that simply make the parent mad. Consequences of the sort you describe (not letting you go anywhere, etc.) should be reserved for behaviors that are actually harmful or endangering to the teen/pre-teen and should be discussed in advance, so that the teen/pre-teen is at choice about what behaviors he/she wants to engage in, given the possible consequences.

A couple of books about adolescence might be helpful both to you and to your parents, for instance: Totally Me, the Teenage Girl's Survival Guide (for you, of course) and Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teens (for your parents).

It sounds as if you have a basically good relationship with your father because you and he can go back and forth with each other verbally.

Hope this helps a little.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

top of page